How can I ever thank God enough for the gift of life He has bestowed upon me? No matter how I strive to thank God, I cannot express to Him my gratitude for the answered prayers He has given to me.
Tomorrow, August 19th, is the date on which I was diagnosed with CLL. Tomorrow it will be twelve long years filled with treatment, infections, and complications. Yet, I can never complain about these problems when I consider how many other CLL patients have passed away. I think of PC, Sharon, Granny Barb and Melinda – all personal online “CLL Buddies” who left deep holes in my heart when their battles with the beast were lost. I still think of their families and the holes that were left when their lives ended. May God continue to mend each empty hole with His thread of comfort.
Periodically, I review the CLL Memorial List on one of the websites. How humbling it was to review how many of those lost their battles in years far fewer than twelve. I wept over the deaths of virtual strangers, yet each one’s life and CLL battle had impacted my own life and battle. E-mails and instant messages comprised our relationships, yet they were relationships built on camaraderie, kindred situations, compassion, and optimism that each would survive and defeat CLL.
Tonight, I thank the Lord for the many times He has intervened and rescued me from the grip of death. Those times have been too numerous to count. I cannot even number the days and weeks and months that I have spent in Intensive Care Units. Yet, God has always, always, always comforted my heart and pulled me through. He gave wisdom to my doctors and blessed me with a family physician who is priceless to my family and me. To this doctor, thank you seems inadequate, but it is all I can offer from my heart.
Tonight, I thank my family for what they have had to endure because of CLL and me. I never think for a moment that these 12 years haven’t been life-changing and quite difficult for all of you – my husband, daughters, parents, grandmother, aunts, best friends – all of you have hurt with me, cried with me, prayed for me, encouraged me, provided for me, and met basic life needs for me when I cannot care for myself. I’d give anything if my life had been different – more for each of you than for myself. Keep the faith and know that when I move onto my Heavenly Home, that we will meet again.
Tonight, I thank God for the online resources and online CLL patients who have instructed, inspired, educated, and enlightened me through these 12 years. First to come to my mind are Dr. Gerald Marti of the NIH and Dr. Terry Hamblin. Both of these honorable, brilliant men have generously blessed me with their time and expertise. I truly believe that when I prayed that the Lord would bless me with the physicians to direct me on the correct paths, that He answered that prayer perfectly and precisely.
I also thank PC and Chaya Venkat for their CLL Topics website. It has been a source of information unlike any other for CLL patients. Their relentless dedication to this site and the global CLL community are to be admired and treasured. Lastly, the CLLCF, ACOR, and YAHOO group members are to be counted as fellow pilgrims on this CLL journey I have been traveling for 12 years. Many of you have been helpful encouragers and I pray God will find a cure for this disease that will benefit each one of us.
What have these twelve years accomplished in my life and taught me? I KNOW God – not ABOUT God – but I know God like I probably never would have known Him without having to become so deeply dependent upon Him. I have learned to trust God and His Word as they are the only unchangeable resources in a world of variables. I know the value of life and of each and everyday. I want to shout from a mountaintop, “Don’t waste today!” I believe I am more focused on what is of eternal value. I have learned to love deeply and to never, ever give up.
Today will never return to any of us and for some, tomorrow will not arrive. Celebrate life. Celebrate today. Celebrate twelve years of life – even one that has been tarnished with the debris of leukemia.
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