My 13th Cancer-Versary

Today is my Cancer-Versary. I was diagnosed with leukemia thirteen years ago today. If you consider the age of adulthood commencing at age 21, I have lived over half of my adult life as a cancer warrior. Almost half of our married life has been lived with the “third partner” – cancer. Little did we know what the vows “in sickness and in health” would mean to our marriage. And our daughters have lived over half of their young lives with a mother battling cancer. Lives marred and scarred by leukemia.

My opinion of August 19th is that of a love-hate relationship. My emotions oscillate between two very different viewpoints of this date. When my calendar alerts me that August 19th has arrived, a part of me loathes the day, another part loves the day. Let me explain.

I hate leukemia. Always have. Always will. A portion of my psyche detests everything associated with August 19th. I was handed a piece of paper on that day that stated the findings of a bone marrow biopsy – I had leukemia. The date, the emotions, death suddenly lurching at me, the hurting faces of my daughters - all of this anguish floods back into my mind each year on August 19th. The events and emotions of that day, thirteen years ago, are cemented in my memory, etched with the cancer events of the past thirteen years.

Daily, the villain leukemia lurks over my shoulder, taunting me and tainting the lives of my loved ones. For over 4700 mornings, I have awakened to face another day with this cancer companion. I ponder if a life lived with the weight of cancer for this many years has been a life worth the living? Family members would probably vote with a resounding YES! My vote would vacillate between YES and NO. You might question why I would even doubt my life being worth living. But as a Child of God,if you consider that I am secure in the knowledge that when I breathe my last breath, that my life is not ending – I will be standing on the brink of eternity in Heaven, then you might understand my answers. You cannot argue, even if you are one of my biggest fans, that Heaven doesn’t sound much better than sickness and suffering.

Yet, just as I detest leukemia and the disfigurement of my life that it has caused, there is sound rationale for celebrating this day. After all, how many cancer warriors do you know who have lived for thirteen years with cancer? I know I have been blessed with life that the most brilliant scientific minds did not foresee. Three to five years life expectancy is what we were told shortly after my diagnosis. Point to be learned – don’t ever rely on mortal man to predict your life expectancy – that decision rests solely with God.

What are the reasons that make me love to celebrate this day? Without a doubt, the most important benefit has been the development of my faith walk with God. Leukemia has driven me to the foot of the cross over and over and over again. I have had to grasp His Word when I knew nothing else would spare my life. The Holy Spirit has been an ever-present companion of Comfort and Guidance. These realizations became much clearer to me as a cancer warrior. First, I realized even more than ever before that I wanted to live a life pleasing to Him because I never know at what moment I might face Jesus face to face to offer an account of my life, thoughts, deeds, and motives. Also, battling a disease with no medical cure made me quickly realize that I must depend upon the God who can perform the impossible. When doctors and medication cannot cure me or lengthen my life, I must rely on the supernatural promises of my Father. The irony of these writings is that none of us know when our tomorrow might not arrive – and we should each be living each day as if tomorrow we will meet our Savior. Be prepared. Be saved and secure in your eternal destiny. Be certain that your todays are not being wasted on thoughts and activities that pull you away from the Savior.

These thirteen years, although replete with distress and misery, have allowed me the blessing to witness our three daughters grow, mature, graduate, and marry. Most of these life events would not have been possible for me to partake in had the three to five years’ life prognosis been correct. And now, a new generation has emerged with our baby grandson’s arrival. I have cherished each life event that has been given to me – tomorrow is a gift that I hold dear. Without this cancer reminder, I, like most healthy people, would have enjoyed life events such as graduations, grandchildren, and growing older, without savoring them to the depth that I savor them. Take great delight in today. Don’t rush through tomorrow. Grasp each moment you have with your loved ones and tightly hold onto those moments, conversations, and memories.

The love-hate cancer relationship – as you can perceive, there is much to love and much to hate about this day. As one of my daughters told me today, “I ‘guess’I say congratulations.” Today presents a quagmire of emotions and reflections for my family and me. Out of this cancer quagmire, I will continue to seek the positive aspects of being a cancer warrior. I will continue to love and trust and serve my Savior. I will continue to savor each moment of time that a family member shares with me. I will continue to live, not just subsist and exist, but live each day to its fullest potential. I challenge you to do the same.