Done

The last drop of Rituxan has infused into my body. Eight weeks of this monoclonal antibody has occupied most of my days of Summer 2009. Vacation has been defined for me as a day away from the cancer center.

As of today, I did not achieve a remission according to the definitions pioneered and authored by the experts. I knew at the onset of treatment, that a complete, molecular remission would be a miracle indeed. Rituxan does continue to work for a couple of months after the final infusion, so reevaluation will be better suited in October. My total white blood count was 18,000 today – a decline from 167,800 at treatment’s beginning. This count was taken prior to the two infusions this week. I would really like to see at least my white count return to normal in the next few weeks.

My case will be labeled a “Partial Remission” if all of my current counts, node, liver and spleen size remain unchanged in two months. Always the perfectionist, I don’t like to do anything “partially” well. Consider these scenarios. Washing the dishes until they are PARTIALLY clean. Constructing a building so that it will be PARTIALLY safe. Traveling by air with a pilot who is PARTIALLY trained. Doing anything “partially” does not appeal to me.

Nevertheless, I conclude this treatment with a heart of grateful reflection. I am grateful that I did not have one infection during these eight weeks. Grateful that I have not had one reaction or complication with this treatment – never in my 13 years of leukemia have I been able to state this with any other treatment protocol. The Message’s translation of Psalm 63:5 states: “It's time to shout praises! If I'm sleepless at midnight, I spend the hours in grateful reflection. Because you've always stood up for me, I'm free to run and play. I hold on to you for dear life, and you hold me steady as a post.”

I've learned not to allow my hope or attention to dwell on "remission" but on living each day fully, expecting a tomorrow, and being grateful for my yesterdays. My life sentence on earth will not be terminated until God has the ultimate say and calls me Home.