"For we know that if our earthly house, this tent, is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. For in this we groan, earnestly desiring to be clothed with our habitation which is from heaven, if indeed, having been clothed, we shall not be found naked. For we who are in this tent groan, being burdened, not because we want to be unclothed, but further clothed, that mortality may be swallowed up by life. Now He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who also has given us the Spirit as a guarantee. So we are always confident, knowing that while we are at home in the body we are absent from the Lord. For we walk by faith, not by sight. We are confident, yes, well pleased rather to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord" (2 Corinthians 5:1-8).
As I watch myself and so many Christians struggle against overwhelming trials and tribulations, I remind myself that we struggle on earth because this is not our home. We are lost foreigners with our true citizenship in Heaven ("For our citizenship is in heaven, from which we also eagerly wait for the Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ (Philippians 3:20). 2 Corinthians 5 presents a comparison between the temporary "tents" we reside in on earth and the lure of our eternal Home.
If asked today whether we would prefer living in a tent or a building, how would we reply? There are few, including myself, who would long to reside in a tent. Tents are temporary, they leak and break, and they are easily moved. Tents are not known for being comfortable and permanent. Conversely, buildings are permanent, not easily shaken and they offer the comforts of home that many of us experience. Paul uses this passage of Scripture to compare the body to our permanent homes in Heaven. There just is no comparison, is there?
I don't know about you, but my "tent" is not worthy of an overnight camp-out in my backyard. It is being destroyed and ravaged by cancer. Paul tells us that we "groan" in our "tents". As long as we reside in our "tents", we are "absent from the Lord" and our Heavenly destination. No wonder this life is so challenging.
Verse 8 of this passage states: ".....to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord." I am convinced we struggle too much to maintain these earthly tents. People dread death - even Christians. Yet, when we remind ourselves of this verse, and know that once we are dead (aka absent from the body) that we are going to be present with the Lord, we can do no less than rejoice. Everyday we need to remind ourselves of this fact and then death will lose its sting and will pale in comparison to the promise of eternal life.
Lately, the Mercy Me song "Only Temporary" has been a favorite and a lyrical reminder of the teachings of this Scripture.
Don't let the situation get to you
This is not a hill worth dying on
Don't let these circumstances tear your heart in two
Soon enough this chapter will be gone
What's insurmountable today
Will surely one day fade away
CHORUS:
There's a reason why this world just don't feel right
Cause we are strangers who are simply passing by
In light of all eternity
It's only temporary
This place was never meant to be my home
Not comfortable in my own skin
Which may explain some of those days I feel alone
Standing on the outside looking in
But you're not hearing me complain
Cause I'm already on my way
This place was never meant to be my home
Not comfortable in my own skin
Link to the the music video for this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZhCmvOhlKs
One of my life verses has been 2 Corinthians 4:16: 18: "Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal".
No matter the depth of our pain and suffering and heartache today, we are assured that these are temporary afflictions. Don't give up - on yourself or on God. Don't doubt that you can wade through your difficulties. Don't forget that despite the intensity or long lasting of our heartaches, that they are "only temporary".
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
An Update & Request for Prayer: August 4, 2010
I offer my apologies for the delayed update. I have pondered and prayed over this update for many days (weeks). My leukemia journey has been sliding down a precarious pathway for the past year or so. If someone had told me when I was diagnosed, 14 years ago (on this August 18th), that my disease course would be so rocky, I would not have believed it and probably would have given up years ago.
This has been a perfect example for all of us to live each day fully and not to put off until tomorrow what we should do today. I encourage each person reading my blog to live life fully and to treasure each today, no matter your circumstances.
More importantly, if there is someone reading these words and who has yet to make Jesus the Lord of his or her life, I encourage you with all of my heart to make that commitment. “For whoever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved” (Romans 10:13). Throughout this lengthy battle, I would not have survived the stress and strains without the presence of my Heavenly Father. For the hundreds of days that I have spent in ICU, I have rejoiced for all of the times He has reached down and rescued me and blessed me with more days with those I love. Of the most importance is the knowledge that I have my eternal destination determined. Death is not final for those of us who have confessed our sins and acknowledged Jesus as the Lord and Savior of our lives. When I exhale my last breath, I will be transported in a blinking of an eye to the throne of my Father. As these earthly days become more and more challenging, my new life in Heaven gains appeal. No pain. No tears. No heartache. No suffering. I will run on streets of gold to my mansion. The heavenly voices of the angelic choir will fill my ears. The presence of God will be beyond my comprehension.
Isaiah 43:2: “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you.”
As I pass through these waters, I am not going to be burned. Everything in my flesh is trembling and confused and at times, overwhelmed. Yet, my spirit remains steadfast. To update my blog, I will have to type many negative findings and updates. These are the opinions of mortal men and women and we must never forget that our Lord reigns and He is the God of the impossible. I will never give up on a miracle slipping down from the Heavenlies to me. If that is not His plan for me, my soul is secure and I am ready for the heavenly journey ahead. God always knows best!
Despite the ICU stay in June and subsequent 21 days of IV antifungals, in the past two weeks, I have had three positive lung cultures return (AGAIN). I continue to have a productive cough, fevers, and some shortness of breath (especially on a day like today with a heat index of 117 degrees). It is difficult to believe this, but I have had some sort of infection every day since early September 2009. That is ten months – over 300 days -- of nonstop infections. Just the infections alone and their treatment are very draining to me. Such is life with a ship-wrecked immune system.
When I battled viral and bacterial infections early in my leukemia trek, I was always told that they would be relatively simple to diagnose, treat and recover from when compared to these nasty fungal infections. I believe that wholeheartedly. I better understand why so many people die from fungal infections when I see cultures taking 4-6 weeks and sometimes longer to provide identifications and sensitivities on the cultures. We will re-culture me this week to see if other pulmonary infections have developed since I remain symptomatic.
Recently, I have had several fungal skin infections on my trunk. We have been watching a new patch of something abnormal on my right cheek. Today, my doctor did a scraping of that to determine if that is fungal in nature. We will wait ………
The leukemia beast is rearing its nasty head – I have worsening of all B-symptoms - symptoms that oncologists follow that indicate disease advancement. Night sweats, fevers, splenomegaly (spleen is over a foot long in the longest dimension and it misplaces other organs when it is this large). My liver is also enlarging (hepatomegaly). The fatigue and pain levels have diminished my quality of life. In addition to the leukemia, the IV steroids I required in the hospital caused weakening of my muscles and despite going to the gym four nights a week prior to the hospital admission, I struggle with normal daily activities.
The doctors do not believe I can survive splenectomy (surgical removal of spleen) due to my infection risks and I still cannot locate a team that will attempt low dose splenic irradiation. After reviewing 20 years’ worth of studies on leukemia and low dose splenic irradiation, I still believe that it could have value to me. But who wants to listen to me?
I have consulted with several of my leukemia specialists and the consensus is unanimous – if I do not treat the leukemia, it will kill me. If I do treat the leukemia, an infection will likely kill me. One doctor told me it is not a matter of “if” an infection will kill me, it is “when” an infection will kill me. Another trusted specialist told me, "Untreated, you are going to succumb to infection sooner or later. Treatment might kill you sooner." We are so accustomed to medical science always having an answer for our health challenges. This situation is what some would deem in earthly terms - being between a rock and a hard place.
I had a difficult time with IVIG a couple of weeks ago. Since an allergist developed my current protocol (heavy premedications and an eight-nine hour infusion), I have tolerated IVIG well. That was until last month. I was very ill during the infusion and then later that night, the infusion site developed a hive-like rash. It had to happen on a Friday night when my three main physicians had all left on vacation! I spent the night popping steroids and Benadryl and applying prescription strength steroid cream to the rash and lo and behold, Dr. Stacie had it taken care of before the sun rose the next morning. We are trying to determine if the Opsite material that covered the IV site contained latex. If I am developing a latex allergy then we need to determine this.
I have a plan for today – notice I type “I”. I still need additional prayer about this plan as I am not 100 percent certain that all of the details are in line with God’s plan and I do not want to step outside of His direction for my life. My consultation today with my trusted family physician helped me to finalize some of the outline of this plan. I want God-breathed details and guidance to fill in the blanks of my outline. I am going to attempt – if I can secure some help – to return to the strict protocol I was following prior to my hospital admission. It is exhausting to coordinate the strict dietary guidelines, exercise, supplements, etc. and is something I cannot do on my own. My doctor went as far to say that even if I must hire someone to help me, this is about saving my life and that is what I will have to do. This protocol is from the Integrative Cancer Center I visited in Chicago in April. My family doctor believes I need to focus on regaining strength and supporting my fractured immune system. My CD4 T-Cell counts are lower than an AIDS patient right now and that opens an entirely new can of worms for me with regard to infection risks. I recently read in the Christian magazine, Charisma, an article about a missionary’s work with AIDS patients in Africa. They had seen increased CD4 T-Cell counts in these patients as they administered a product containing sea minerals and other natural products. I am trying to track down this missionary and the product to inquire if I can obtain it in the States and if he believes it will help non-AIDS patients who have T-Cell defects. Reversing my spiraling trend of falling T-Cells would be of great benefit to me and would result in fewer life threatening infections.
I had been considering an European protocol that used low dose chemotherapy agents Fludarabine and Cytoxan with elderly leukemia patients who were too weak for standard treatment. Most faired extremely well on the protocol and I had even discussed it with the Italian trial investigator. However, once we learned of the very low T-Cell count (and knowing that Fludarabine is the ultimate enemy of T-Cells), I have had to stop and reconsider that protocol. The Cancer Center in Chicago discussed fractionated chemotherapy with me. This is used in other countries and uses doses as low as 1/5 of the standard dosage of chemotherapy to treat end stage patients. Some protocols infuse the drugs with a pump over many days versus over a few hours to help limit toxicities. Makes perfect sense to me.
This has appeal to me and seems quite sensible. Yet, I am all too familiar with the inflexibilities of the USA’s medical system and insurance companies. Once I decide upon which chemotherapy agent I might consider using in fractionated doses, then I have the task to convince doctors and the insurance “gods” to orchestrate and pay for the protocol. So much to accomplish and so little stamina to do it!
The Mercy Me song “Hold Fast” has offered immense encouragement to me this summer. The lyrics remind us:
To everyone who's hurting To those who've had enough To all the undeserving That should cover all of us Please do not let go I promise there is hope
Hold fast
Help is on the way
Hold fast
He's come to save the day
What I've learned in my life
One thing greater than my strife
Is His grasp So hold fast
Will this season ever pass?
Can we stop this ride?
Will we see the sun at last?
Or could this be our lot in life?
Please do not let go
I promise you there's hope
You may think you're all alone
And there's no way that anyone could know
What you're going through
But if you only hear one thing
Just understand that we are all the same
Searching for the truth
The truth of what we're soon to face
Unless someone comes to take our place
Is there anyone?
All we want is to be free
Free from our captivity,
Lord Here He comes
You Tube Video Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWejcH0JWTc
So, I am holding fast. For my family and friends who read this, who might shed a tear for me, let me encourage you that we are not alone. God remains very near to each of His children even when the day is the darkest and our hearts are the most troubled. Hold fast, my dear ones, hold fast.
(And thank you so much for your prayers and encouraging posts!)
This has been a perfect example for all of us to live each day fully and not to put off until tomorrow what we should do today. I encourage each person reading my blog to live life fully and to treasure each today, no matter your circumstances.
More importantly, if there is someone reading these words and who has yet to make Jesus the Lord of his or her life, I encourage you with all of my heart to make that commitment. “For whoever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved” (Romans 10:13). Throughout this lengthy battle, I would not have survived the stress and strains without the presence of my Heavenly Father. For the hundreds of days that I have spent in ICU, I have rejoiced for all of the times He has reached down and rescued me and blessed me with more days with those I love. Of the most importance is the knowledge that I have my eternal destination determined. Death is not final for those of us who have confessed our sins and acknowledged Jesus as the Lord and Savior of our lives. When I exhale my last breath, I will be transported in a blinking of an eye to the throne of my Father. As these earthly days become more and more challenging, my new life in Heaven gains appeal. No pain. No tears. No heartache. No suffering. I will run on streets of gold to my mansion. The heavenly voices of the angelic choir will fill my ears. The presence of God will be beyond my comprehension.
Isaiah 43:2: “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you.”
As I pass through these waters, I am not going to be burned. Everything in my flesh is trembling and confused and at times, overwhelmed. Yet, my spirit remains steadfast. To update my blog, I will have to type many negative findings and updates. These are the opinions of mortal men and women and we must never forget that our Lord reigns and He is the God of the impossible. I will never give up on a miracle slipping down from the Heavenlies to me. If that is not His plan for me, my soul is secure and I am ready for the heavenly journey ahead. God always knows best!
Despite the ICU stay in June and subsequent 21 days of IV antifungals, in the past two weeks, I have had three positive lung cultures return (AGAIN). I continue to have a productive cough, fevers, and some shortness of breath (especially on a day like today with a heat index of 117 degrees). It is difficult to believe this, but I have had some sort of infection every day since early September 2009. That is ten months – over 300 days -- of nonstop infections. Just the infections alone and their treatment are very draining to me. Such is life with a ship-wrecked immune system.
When I battled viral and bacterial infections early in my leukemia trek, I was always told that they would be relatively simple to diagnose, treat and recover from when compared to these nasty fungal infections. I believe that wholeheartedly. I better understand why so many people die from fungal infections when I see cultures taking 4-6 weeks and sometimes longer to provide identifications and sensitivities on the cultures. We will re-culture me this week to see if other pulmonary infections have developed since I remain symptomatic.
Recently, I have had several fungal skin infections on my trunk. We have been watching a new patch of something abnormal on my right cheek. Today, my doctor did a scraping of that to determine if that is fungal in nature. We will wait ………
The leukemia beast is rearing its nasty head – I have worsening of all B-symptoms - symptoms that oncologists follow that indicate disease advancement. Night sweats, fevers, splenomegaly (spleen is over a foot long in the longest dimension and it misplaces other organs when it is this large). My liver is also enlarging (hepatomegaly). The fatigue and pain levels have diminished my quality of life. In addition to the leukemia, the IV steroids I required in the hospital caused weakening of my muscles and despite going to the gym four nights a week prior to the hospital admission, I struggle with normal daily activities.
The doctors do not believe I can survive splenectomy (surgical removal of spleen) due to my infection risks and I still cannot locate a team that will attempt low dose splenic irradiation. After reviewing 20 years’ worth of studies on leukemia and low dose splenic irradiation, I still believe that it could have value to me. But who wants to listen to me?
I have consulted with several of my leukemia specialists and the consensus is unanimous – if I do not treat the leukemia, it will kill me. If I do treat the leukemia, an infection will likely kill me. One doctor told me it is not a matter of “if” an infection will kill me, it is “when” an infection will kill me. Another trusted specialist told me, "Untreated, you are going to succumb to infection sooner or later. Treatment might kill you sooner." We are so accustomed to medical science always having an answer for our health challenges. This situation is what some would deem in earthly terms - being between a rock and a hard place.
I had a difficult time with IVIG a couple of weeks ago. Since an allergist developed my current protocol (heavy premedications and an eight-nine hour infusion), I have tolerated IVIG well. That was until last month. I was very ill during the infusion and then later that night, the infusion site developed a hive-like rash. It had to happen on a Friday night when my three main physicians had all left on vacation! I spent the night popping steroids and Benadryl and applying prescription strength steroid cream to the rash and lo and behold, Dr. Stacie had it taken care of before the sun rose the next morning. We are trying to determine if the Opsite material that covered the IV site contained latex. If I am developing a latex allergy then we need to determine this.
I have a plan for today – notice I type “I”. I still need additional prayer about this plan as I am not 100 percent certain that all of the details are in line with God’s plan and I do not want to step outside of His direction for my life. My consultation today with my trusted family physician helped me to finalize some of the outline of this plan. I want God-breathed details and guidance to fill in the blanks of my outline. I am going to attempt – if I can secure some help – to return to the strict protocol I was following prior to my hospital admission. It is exhausting to coordinate the strict dietary guidelines, exercise, supplements, etc. and is something I cannot do on my own. My doctor went as far to say that even if I must hire someone to help me, this is about saving my life and that is what I will have to do. This protocol is from the Integrative Cancer Center I visited in Chicago in April. My family doctor believes I need to focus on regaining strength and supporting my fractured immune system. My CD4 T-Cell counts are lower than an AIDS patient right now and that opens an entirely new can of worms for me with regard to infection risks. I recently read in the Christian magazine, Charisma, an article about a missionary’s work with AIDS patients in Africa. They had seen increased CD4 T-Cell counts in these patients as they administered a product containing sea minerals and other natural products. I am trying to track down this missionary and the product to inquire if I can obtain it in the States and if he believes it will help non-AIDS patients who have T-Cell defects. Reversing my spiraling trend of falling T-Cells would be of great benefit to me and would result in fewer life threatening infections.
I had been considering an European protocol that used low dose chemotherapy agents Fludarabine and Cytoxan with elderly leukemia patients who were too weak for standard treatment. Most faired extremely well on the protocol and I had even discussed it with the Italian trial investigator. However, once we learned of the very low T-Cell count (and knowing that Fludarabine is the ultimate enemy of T-Cells), I have had to stop and reconsider that protocol. The Cancer Center in Chicago discussed fractionated chemotherapy with me. This is used in other countries and uses doses as low as 1/5 of the standard dosage of chemotherapy to treat end stage patients. Some protocols infuse the drugs with a pump over many days versus over a few hours to help limit toxicities. Makes perfect sense to me.
This has appeal to me and seems quite sensible. Yet, I am all too familiar with the inflexibilities of the USA’s medical system and insurance companies. Once I decide upon which chemotherapy agent I might consider using in fractionated doses, then I have the task to convince doctors and the insurance “gods” to orchestrate and pay for the protocol. So much to accomplish and so little stamina to do it!
The Mercy Me song “Hold Fast” has offered immense encouragement to me this summer. The lyrics remind us:
To everyone who's hurting To those who've had enough To all the undeserving That should cover all of us Please do not let go I promise there is hope
Hold fast
Help is on the way
Hold fast
He's come to save the day
What I've learned in my life
One thing greater than my strife
Is His grasp So hold fast
Will this season ever pass?
Can we stop this ride?
Will we see the sun at last?
Or could this be our lot in life?
Please do not let go
I promise you there's hope
You may think you're all alone
And there's no way that anyone could know
What you're going through
But if you only hear one thing
Just understand that we are all the same
Searching for the truth
The truth of what we're soon to face
Unless someone comes to take our place
Is there anyone?
All we want is to be free
Free from our captivity,
Lord Here He comes
You Tube Video Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWejcH0JWTc
So, I am holding fast. For my family and friends who read this, who might shed a tear for me, let me encourage you that we are not alone. God remains very near to each of His children even when the day is the darkest and our hearts are the most troubled. Hold fast, my dear ones, hold fast.
(And thank you so much for your prayers and encouraging posts!)
Friday, July 23, 2010
You Carried Me
He carried me and continues to carry me. My life and body are so broken yet He continues to pick up the pieces and carry me into the next tomorrow. When the sun rises, he lifts me up and carries me through yet another day.
"You Carried Me"
Building 429
I've been so busy
I missed the reasons
I missed Your love
and I nearly missed it all
Still You've held me
And You've healed me
You've given all
And it brought me to Your cross
And I stand only because
You've given me grace to walk
Only because
[CHORUS]
You carried me
You carried me
You carried me through it all
And I believe
Yes I believe
You'll carry me all the way home
Cause mercy covers all
I know the scripture
I've known the songs
I sang the words
from my hollowed heart
But You've spoken softly
Through the storm
I've heard Your voice
and I've felt the calm
I stand only because
You've given me faith to walk
Only because
[CHORUS]
You carried me
You carried me
You carried me through it all
And I believe
Yes I believe
You'll carry me all the way home
Lord I know that you love me
I'll never doubt it
I can't live without it
Your mercy has found me
I am astounded
I can't live without it, oooh
You carried me, You carried me
You carried me through it all...
You carried me
You carried me
And I believe
Yeah I believe
You'll carry me all the way home
Cause mercy covers all
Mercy covers all
Yeah, yeah
And I believe
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=75YZ8ByHSrM
"You Carried Me"
Building 429
I've been so busy
I missed the reasons
I missed Your love
and I nearly missed it all
Still You've held me
And You've healed me
You've given all
And it brought me to Your cross
And I stand only because
You've given me grace to walk
Only because
[CHORUS]
You carried me
You carried me
You carried me through it all
And I believe
Yes I believe
You'll carry me all the way home
Cause mercy covers all
I know the scripture
I've known the songs
I sang the words
from my hollowed heart
But You've spoken softly
Through the storm
I've heard Your voice
and I've felt the calm
I stand only because
You've given me faith to walk
Only because
[CHORUS]
You carried me
You carried me
You carried me through it all
And I believe
Yes I believe
You'll carry me all the way home
Lord I know that you love me
I'll never doubt it
I can't live without it
Your mercy has found me
I am astounded
I can't live without it, oooh
You carried me, You carried me
You carried me through it all...
You carried me
You carried me
And I believe
Yeah I believe
You'll carry me all the way home
Cause mercy covers all
Mercy covers all
Yeah, yeah
And I believe
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=75YZ8ByHSrM
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Forgiving Others
Learning to forgive those who hurt or offend us is one of the greatest abilities we can ever achieve. And apart from the Holy Spirit working in our hearts and lives, we cannot do this on our own. Today, let us reflect on those who have hurt us and we have failed to forgive and then meditate on these verses and quotes. May we each be challenged to forgive the person who has hurt us the most deeply.
Matthew 6: 14-15
“If you forgive men when they sin against you, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”
Unforgiveness can drag us down and figuratively bury us. Often the times the person we need to forgive, goes on living with not even a portion of the heartache and pain that we carry in our unforgiveness. Most importantly, unforgiveness erects a looming barricade between us and our Father. If we think we cannot forgive someone because the hurts they have inflicted are much too painful, let us recall the tragic death our Savior died on a cross for the forgiveness of our sins. Our hurts pale in comparison, don’t they?
I do not know the author of this quote, but it is a powerful quote for us to consider.
“Every person should have a special cemetery lot in which to bury the faults of friends and loved ones. To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was YOU.”
Again, we are urged to forgive because in doing so, we are freed in a way that only true forgiveness can generate. Note in this quote that we are to bury – and not dig up – those faults in need of forgiveness. Too often, we will say in words that we forgive someone, but we will cling to the baggage and hurt which confirms that true forgiveness has not occurred.
“Hate is a prolonged form of suicide.” –Douglas V. Steere
Such truth composes this quote. Hate and unforgivness gnaw away at our spirits and souls. Thought by thought, memory by memory, and heartache by heartache……as long as we do not forgive those who offend us, the erosion of our lives slowly transpires. And before we realize how critical the unforgiveness in our lives has become, our hopes and dreams are eradicated by our own unforgiveness.
As Christians, God has given us the “ministry of reconciliation” (2 Corinthians 6:18). What does this reconciliation require of each of us …… understanding, resolution, compromise, reunion, ceasefire, bringing together, appeasement……may we each commit our lives and hearts and minds to forgiveness and reconciliation in each relationship that challenges us.
Matthew 6: 14-15
“If you forgive men when they sin against you, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”
Unforgiveness can drag us down and figuratively bury us. Often the times the person we need to forgive, goes on living with not even a portion of the heartache and pain that we carry in our unforgiveness. Most importantly, unforgiveness erects a looming barricade between us and our Father. If we think we cannot forgive someone because the hurts they have inflicted are much too painful, let us recall the tragic death our Savior died on a cross for the forgiveness of our sins. Our hurts pale in comparison, don’t they?
I do not know the author of this quote, but it is a powerful quote for us to consider.
“Every person should have a special cemetery lot in which to bury the faults of friends and loved ones. To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was YOU.”
Again, we are urged to forgive because in doing so, we are freed in a way that only true forgiveness can generate. Note in this quote that we are to bury – and not dig up – those faults in need of forgiveness. Too often, we will say in words that we forgive someone, but we will cling to the baggage and hurt which confirms that true forgiveness has not occurred.
“Hate is a prolonged form of suicide.” –Douglas V. Steere
Such truth composes this quote. Hate and unforgivness gnaw away at our spirits and souls. Thought by thought, memory by memory, and heartache by heartache……as long as we do not forgive those who offend us, the erosion of our lives slowly transpires. And before we realize how critical the unforgiveness in our lives has become, our hopes and dreams are eradicated by our own unforgiveness.
As Christians, God has given us the “ministry of reconciliation” (2 Corinthians 6:18). What does this reconciliation require of each of us …… understanding, resolution, compromise, reunion, ceasefire, bringing together, appeasement……may we each commit our lives and hearts and minds to forgiveness and reconciliation in each relationship that challenges us.
No Matter What
Today I received an e-mail with this message from someone I have never met. She is on a prayer chain that has faithfully prayed for me for quite some time. I wanted to share what she wrote and this song that she sent to me. I pray that it will encourage someone else today. Thank you Kelli and Donna!
Kelli wrote: This song reminds me of what Stacie is living -- have you heard it by Kerrie Roberts called "No Matter What"?
I'm running back to your promises one more time
Lord that's all I can hold on to
I gotta say this has taken me by surprise
But nothing surprises You
Before a heartache can ever touch my life
It has to go through Your hands
And even though I keep asking why
I keep asking why
No matter what, I'm gonna love You
No matter what I'm gonna need You
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, I'll trust you
No matter what, no matter what
When I'm stuck and there's nothing else by myself
I'm just sitting in silence
There's no way I can make it without Your help
I wont even try it
I know You have Your reasons for everything
So I will keep believing
Whatever I might be feeling, God, You are my hope
And You will be my strength,
No matter what, I'm gonna love You
No matter what I'm gonna need You
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, I'll trust you
No matter what, no matter what
Anything I don't have You can give it to me
But it's okay if You don't, I'm not here for those things
The touch of Your love is enough on its own
No matter what I still love You and I'm gonna need You
No matter what I'm gonna love you
No matter what I'm gonna need you
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, I'll trust You
No matter what, no matter what
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, I'll trust you
No matter what, no matter what
No matter, no matter what
To listen to the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OA3MSqufJP4
Kelli wrote: This song reminds me of what Stacie is living -- have you heard it by Kerrie Roberts called "No Matter What"?
I'm running back to your promises one more time
Lord that's all I can hold on to
I gotta say this has taken me by surprise
But nothing surprises You
Before a heartache can ever touch my life
It has to go through Your hands
And even though I keep asking why
I keep asking why
No matter what, I'm gonna love You
No matter what I'm gonna need You
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, I'll trust you
No matter what, no matter what
When I'm stuck and there's nothing else by myself
I'm just sitting in silence
There's no way I can make it without Your help
I wont even try it
I know You have Your reasons for everything
So I will keep believing
Whatever I might be feeling, God, You are my hope
And You will be my strength,
No matter what, I'm gonna love You
No matter what I'm gonna need You
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, I'll trust you
No matter what, no matter what
Anything I don't have You can give it to me
But it's okay if You don't, I'm not here for those things
The touch of Your love is enough on its own
No matter what I still love You and I'm gonna need You
No matter what I'm gonna love you
No matter what I'm gonna need you
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, I'll trust You
No matter what, no matter what
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, I'll trust you
No matter what, no matter what
No matter, no matter what
To listen to the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OA3MSqufJP4
Sunday, July 11, 2010
22 Months Old
Yes, Lil Man has reached his 22 month milestone! He possesses this amazing ability to restore his Grammy back to her feet after difficult days. After the ICU admission and weeks of IV's, procedures, and more testing, Lil Man decided to reinfuse my life and spirit with joy and encouragement.
One morning the week before last, I arrived to pick him up at his Mommy's office. They opened the back door and he blurted out, "GRAMMY"! I could barely believe what my ears had just heard. And again, he shouted, "GRAMMY!" Now, he had been calling GramPY, the endeared name of PEE and GramMY had been called MEE up to that time. No word like GRAMMY has brought such joy to my heart. Now, Lil Man follows me around the house and probably says, "GRAMMY" about one hundred times daily. (Forgive me, but Grammys are allowed to exaggerate when it comes to their grands!)
His vocabulary is amazing and we are tickled pink about a few of his word pronunciations. On his farm, they grow corn and beans. We ask him, "What crops does your Dad grow on the farm?" And he promptly responds, "Corn and beanAS". Beans are always pronounced BeanAS and we roll with laughter. We have to be cautious if we order green beanAS in a restaurant because all of us have found ourselves pronouncing beanAS in this unique fashion.
He has enjoyed July's fireworks, fairs and carnivals. Hopefully, this week if Grammy gathers up some energy, I will be able to take him to a local fair and carnival. He already has plans to play in his water table tomorrow. He was visiting this evening to celebrate his Uncle Philip's 31st birthday and he has already gathered up all of his water toys. He is so smart - just ask all of us who love him! We are not biased or partial in our assessments of his intelligence and many other talents.
One morning the week before last, I arrived to pick him up at his Mommy's office. They opened the back door and he blurted out, "GRAMMY"! I could barely believe what my ears had just heard. And again, he shouted, "GRAMMY!" Now, he had been calling GramPY, the endeared name of PEE and GramMY had been called MEE up to that time. No word like GRAMMY has brought such joy to my heart. Now, Lil Man follows me around the house and probably says, "GRAMMY" about one hundred times daily. (Forgive me, but Grammys are allowed to exaggerate when it comes to their grands!)
His vocabulary is amazing and we are tickled pink about a few of his word pronunciations. On his farm, they grow corn and beans. We ask him, "What crops does your Dad grow on the farm?" And he promptly responds, "Corn and beanAS". Beans are always pronounced BeanAS and we roll with laughter. We have to be cautious if we order green beanAS in a restaurant because all of us have found ourselves pronouncing beanAS in this unique fashion.
He has enjoyed July's fireworks, fairs and carnivals. Hopefully, this week if Grammy gathers up some energy, I will be able to take him to a local fair and carnival. He already has plans to play in his water table tomorrow. He was visiting this evening to celebrate his Uncle Philip's 31st birthday and he has already gathered up all of his water toys. He is so smart - just ask all of us who love him! We are not biased or partial in our assessments of his intelligence and many other talents.
Enemy Leukemia
Enemy Leukemia
waging war in my body
as enemy combatant,
adversary to my life.
Never to my soul.
Leukemia cells live and live and live...
incapable of dying.
accumulating and destroying my body,
taunting and teasing my mind.
Never touching my soul.
Stealth in its abilities
to dodge weapons of
chemotherapy destruction;
evading the smart bomb.
Never stealth and covert to my Father.
Just one stealth cell thriving
in marrow or blood;
one cell.
Remission is stolen;
life is shortened on this earth.
Never touches my eternal life.
--Copyright Stacie
waging war in my body
as enemy combatant,
adversary to my life.
Never to my soul.
Leukemia cells live and live and live...
incapable of dying.
accumulating and destroying my body,
taunting and teasing my mind.
Never touching my soul.
Stealth in its abilities
to dodge weapons of
chemotherapy destruction;
evading the smart bomb.
Never stealth and covert to my Father.
Just one stealth cell thriving
in marrow or blood;
one cell.
Remission is stolen;
life is shortened on this earth.
Never touches my eternal life.
--Copyright Stacie
Wisdom from the Book of Philippians 1
I have been studying the book of Acts and some of the letters written by the Apostle Paul. I just marvel at his wisdom in words. I wanted to share some of my favorite verses from the book of Philippians and I pray that they speak to your spirits as they have spoken to mine. May each of us be challenged and encouraged as we meditate on these words. Each day this week, may we challenge ourselves to take one of these verses and strive to live it out fully in our own lives. If you are challenged or changed by one of these verses, post your praises to God on this post! All glory be to Him.
"And this is my prayer: That your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ — to the glory and praise of God (Philippians 1:9-11)."
Discerning what is best - don't we each desire that? I want to discern the best treatment for myself. I want my children to discern the best plans God has for their lives. I want leaders of our country to discern the best course of action for our nation. We cannot exhibit such discernment without the love and righteousness of Christ in our lives. May we open the doors of our heart each day and ask Him to reign and rule over our lives.
"...for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance (Philippians 1:19)."
Knowing with this type of certainty that God is in control of our lives and that by living our lives in obedience to Him and His Word that all things are going to work for our good, is such a guarantee of peace. I am certain that no matter what mayhem leukemia causes in my life, that I will one day be delivered from its destruction. May each of us engage the resources of prayer and guidance of the Holy Spirit (through prayer and God's Holy Word) to foster this type of confidence in our futures.
"I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body (Philippians 1:20-24)."
Don't Paul's words and reflections resound in your spirit? They speak loudly to me. I recall early on after my leukemia diagnosis, that I was concerned that my faith would be shaken and that Christ would not be exalted in my life. This was and continues to be a personal prayer of mine. Never, do I want a life challenge to shake my faith foundations. The Scripture in verse 21: "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain" is one that I have requested be engraved on my grave marker. He has certainly kept me alive and life would not have been mine without all of the acts of healing and mercy that He has extended to me. However, to die will certainly be gain for each of us who have believed in the Lord Jesus Christ for forgiveness of our sins and salvation of our souls. Even Paul wavered and pondered about which to choose - he was "torn between the two". If today is a day of challenge for you, refocus your thought life and energies on the Word of God. Don't be distracted or side-tracked by today's trials and tribulations. Eternal life awaits the children of the Most High God - "to die is gain".
"Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ" (Philippians 1: 27).
So few words with such immense instruction. Imagine if each of us could master this statement: WHATEVER HAPPENS, CONDUCT YOURSELVES IN A MANNER WORTHY OF THE GOSPEL OF CHRIST."
WHATEVER HAPPENS.
WHATEVER HAPPENS.
Whatever could include being told you are dying; that you have lost your job or all of your finances; that you have been betrayed by family or friends; that your heart has been ripped into a billion tiny pieces; that your loved one just died; that your child has turned his back on his faith; that depression has stolen your joy - WHATEVER HAPPENS. May each of us conduct ourselves in ways that are pleasing to our Father when we are rejoicing on life's mountaintops and when we are sobbing in the valleys of our lives. Whatever happens ........
"And this is my prayer: That your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ — to the glory and praise of God (Philippians 1:9-11)."
Discerning what is best - don't we each desire that? I want to discern the best treatment for myself. I want my children to discern the best plans God has for their lives. I want leaders of our country to discern the best course of action for our nation. We cannot exhibit such discernment without the love and righteousness of Christ in our lives. May we open the doors of our heart each day and ask Him to reign and rule over our lives.
"...for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance (Philippians 1:19)."
Knowing with this type of certainty that God is in control of our lives and that by living our lives in obedience to Him and His Word that all things are going to work for our good, is such a guarantee of peace. I am certain that no matter what mayhem leukemia causes in my life, that I will one day be delivered from its destruction. May each of us engage the resources of prayer and guidance of the Holy Spirit (through prayer and God's Holy Word) to foster this type of confidence in our futures.
"I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body (Philippians 1:20-24)."
Don't Paul's words and reflections resound in your spirit? They speak loudly to me. I recall early on after my leukemia diagnosis, that I was concerned that my faith would be shaken and that Christ would not be exalted in my life. This was and continues to be a personal prayer of mine. Never, do I want a life challenge to shake my faith foundations. The Scripture in verse 21: "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain" is one that I have requested be engraved on my grave marker. He has certainly kept me alive and life would not have been mine without all of the acts of healing and mercy that He has extended to me. However, to die will certainly be gain for each of us who have believed in the Lord Jesus Christ for forgiveness of our sins and salvation of our souls. Even Paul wavered and pondered about which to choose - he was "torn between the two". If today is a day of challenge for you, refocus your thought life and energies on the Word of God. Don't be distracted or side-tracked by today's trials and tribulations. Eternal life awaits the children of the Most High God - "to die is gain".
"Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ" (Philippians 1: 27).
So few words with such immense instruction. Imagine if each of us could master this statement: WHATEVER HAPPENS, CONDUCT YOURSELVES IN A MANNER WORTHY OF THE GOSPEL OF CHRIST."
WHATEVER HAPPENS.
WHATEVER HAPPENS.
Whatever could include being told you are dying; that you have lost your job or all of your finances; that you have been betrayed by family or friends; that your heart has been ripped into a billion tiny pieces; that your loved one just died; that your child has turned his back on his faith; that depression has stolen your joy - WHATEVER HAPPENS. May each of us conduct ourselves in ways that are pleasing to our Father when we are rejoicing on life's mountaintops and when we are sobbing in the valleys of our lives. Whatever happens ........
Update & Request for Prayer: July 11, 2010
My apologies for the delay in updating my blog. I have had some technical challenges with my laptop and I am not a pro at posting from my cell phone yet, so I have just remained silent. I am grateful for all of you who post a comment of concern or who drop me an e-mail to inquire if I have returned to the "slammer" (aka ICU).
The PICC line site healed well and I have not developed any infections from that procedure. We realize that removing it may result in my turning around and having to have another line inserted if the fungal cultures are positive from either the sinus or lung scopes from last month.
I continue to run periodic fevers and have a productive cough. I anticipate the end of this week will be the earliest that we might receive preliminary fungal cultures from the two scopes. More likely, it will be another two weeks. If these fungal cultures are negative, then I believe this will be a stronger indicator that my NIH physician's suggestion that the leukemia might be infiltrating my lungs is accurate. And while we always view fevers in the context of infection, fevers also can be a "B symptom" of leukemia - symptoms that can indicate that the leukemia is progressing. This past week, I reviewed this list of classic "B Symptoms" and was quite alarmed to realize that I now possess every symptom on the list.
I have remained very fatigued - some days just the motions of everyday life seem very overwhelming, yet I attempt to strive on and maintain some normalcy in my life. In the midst of the physical fatigue, a deep, brain fog presides over my thinking - another reason my blog updates have been sparse. Some days just formatting a paragraph seems to zap my energy. I have been researching to see if I can locate any chemotherapy protocol that could be survivable for an end stage patient.
I vacillate between feeling a moment of temptation that yearns to strike the leukemia with a potent weapon of destruction (chemotherapy) to returning to my current state of engaging only palliative care options. I will not move ahead until I have clear peace and guidance that only the Holy Spirit can provide to me.
The current chemotherapy protocol that I have been reviewing is from an Italian clinical trial. I have corresponded with the primary investigator in Italy. This protocol studied the chemotherapy agents Fludarabine and Cytoxan, used in low doses in an elderly population of patients. The reasoning was that this elderly population could not survive standard chemotherapy doses. While my age is far from being considered "elderly", it is doubted if my body can withstand many chemotherapy protocols due to my lengthy leukemia battle and fractured immune system. I have taken full dose Fludrabine in the past and it is the drug that wrecked serious havoc with my T-Cells (vital immune system cells). The last dose of Fludarabine I took was in 2004 and six years later, my T-Cells remain at very low levels. I have never received the other drug, Cytoxan. If I decided upon this Italian protocol, I would have to convince my physicians and the insurance "gods" to approve it for me. This protocol would mean 4 days of chemotherapy every 28 days for four to six months.
Two other alternative treatments that I am considering are also widely used in Europe but not in the USA. Mistletoe extract (Iscador) has been estimated that 40-60 percent of European oncologists are using Iscador with their cancer patients. The other possible alternative treatment is Carnivora (extract of the Venus flytrap). I am researching both of these options. Interestingly, one recent study on Iscador reviewed its use with Cytoxan (the chemotherapy drug I mentioned above) and the Iscador increased the effectiveness of the Cytoxan.
Decisions such as the ones that I am facing are not made without much prayer, much research and much reflection. I ask that you continue to uphold me in your prayers. I want God to reveal the path He has for me to pursue. I know MY plans will not succeed without Him. Proverbs 16:9 reminds me: "A man’s heart plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps." I can make all the plans in the world, but I desire for the Lord to be directing each step. He doesn't make mistakes like I do!
The PICC line site healed well and I have not developed any infections from that procedure. We realize that removing it may result in my turning around and having to have another line inserted if the fungal cultures are positive from either the sinus or lung scopes from last month.
I continue to run periodic fevers and have a productive cough. I anticipate the end of this week will be the earliest that we might receive preliminary fungal cultures from the two scopes. More likely, it will be another two weeks. If these fungal cultures are negative, then I believe this will be a stronger indicator that my NIH physician's suggestion that the leukemia might be infiltrating my lungs is accurate. And while we always view fevers in the context of infection, fevers also can be a "B symptom" of leukemia - symptoms that can indicate that the leukemia is progressing. This past week, I reviewed this list of classic "B Symptoms" and was quite alarmed to realize that I now possess every symptom on the list.
I have remained very fatigued - some days just the motions of everyday life seem very overwhelming, yet I attempt to strive on and maintain some normalcy in my life. In the midst of the physical fatigue, a deep, brain fog presides over my thinking - another reason my blog updates have been sparse. Some days just formatting a paragraph seems to zap my energy. I have been researching to see if I can locate any chemotherapy protocol that could be survivable for an end stage patient.
I vacillate between feeling a moment of temptation that yearns to strike the leukemia with a potent weapon of destruction (chemotherapy) to returning to my current state of engaging only palliative care options. I will not move ahead until I have clear peace and guidance that only the Holy Spirit can provide to me.
The current chemotherapy protocol that I have been reviewing is from an Italian clinical trial. I have corresponded with the primary investigator in Italy. This protocol studied the chemotherapy agents Fludarabine and Cytoxan, used in low doses in an elderly population of patients. The reasoning was that this elderly population could not survive standard chemotherapy doses. While my age is far from being considered "elderly", it is doubted if my body can withstand many chemotherapy protocols due to my lengthy leukemia battle and fractured immune system. I have taken full dose Fludrabine in the past and it is the drug that wrecked serious havoc with my T-Cells (vital immune system cells). The last dose of Fludarabine I took was in 2004 and six years later, my T-Cells remain at very low levels. I have never received the other drug, Cytoxan. If I decided upon this Italian protocol, I would have to convince my physicians and the insurance "gods" to approve it for me. This protocol would mean 4 days of chemotherapy every 28 days for four to six months.
Two other alternative treatments that I am considering are also widely used in Europe but not in the USA. Mistletoe extract (Iscador) has been estimated that 40-60 percent of European oncologists are using Iscador with their cancer patients. The other possible alternative treatment is Carnivora (extract of the Venus flytrap). I am researching both of these options. Interestingly, one recent study on Iscador reviewed its use with Cytoxan (the chemotherapy drug I mentioned above) and the Iscador increased the effectiveness of the Cytoxan.
Decisions such as the ones that I am facing are not made without much prayer, much research and much reflection. I ask that you continue to uphold me in your prayers. I want God to reveal the path He has for me to pursue. I know MY plans will not succeed without Him. Proverbs 16:9 reminds me: "A man’s heart plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps." I can make all the plans in the world, but I desire for the Lord to be directing each step. He doesn't make mistakes like I do!
Friday, July 2, 2010
A Prayer for Today: July 2, 2010
Father,
We rejoice for the Holy Spirit's comforting and guidance. We are grateful for the Helper whom You have left with us. Where would we be without the Holy Spirit in our lives? Luke 12:12 instructs us: "For the Holy Spirit will teach you in that very hour what you ought to say.” So tonight, Lord, I pray that each of our spirits will be prompted by the Holy Spirit to pray for needs that surround us.
Before I ask Your touch upon so many urgent petitions tonight, I ask You, Father, to "Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties; and see if there is any wicked way in me,and lead me in the way everlasting" (Psalm 139:23-24. May our hearts, minds and souls be cleansed by the Blood of Jesus.
Lord, as I type this, you are aware of the heartaches and concerns that each of us is facing. May the presence of the Holy Spirit be deeply sensed by us daily. May Your peace flood each soul's heart. May Your purpose be sensed in each soul's life. May Your hope be instilled in each soul's spirit. May we be always inclined to seek YOUR way for OUR lives. I am thankful that Your ways are always right for us.
We love you, Dear Father. We are grateful beyond what words can express for your goodness and mercy that You extend to each of Your children.
In Jesus' Name I pray. AMEN.
We rejoice for the Holy Spirit's comforting and guidance. We are grateful for the Helper whom You have left with us. Where would we be without the Holy Spirit in our lives? Luke 12:12 instructs us: "For the Holy Spirit will teach you in that very hour what you ought to say.” So tonight, Lord, I pray that each of our spirits will be prompted by the Holy Spirit to pray for needs that surround us.
Before I ask Your touch upon so many urgent petitions tonight, I ask You, Father, to "Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties; and see if there is any wicked way in me,and lead me in the way everlasting" (Psalm 139:23-24. May our hearts, minds and souls be cleansed by the Blood of Jesus.
Lord, as I type this, you are aware of the heartaches and concerns that each of us is facing. May the presence of the Holy Spirit be deeply sensed by us daily. May Your peace flood each soul's heart. May Your purpose be sensed in each soul's life. May Your hope be instilled in each soul's spirit. May we be always inclined to seek YOUR way for OUR lives. I am thankful that Your ways are always right for us.
We love you, Dear Father. We are grateful beyond what words can express for your goodness and mercy that You extend to each of Your children.
In Jesus' Name I pray. AMEN.
House Call
As I had mentioned, my trusted NIH/NCI (National Institutes of Health/National Cancer Institute) physician, Dr. M. drove over 700 miles this week to visit us – what a house call! I have been so blessed with physicians who are compassionate, brilliant caregivers.
To be able to sit and chat with him about new research, new protocols, reflections on current treatment, and other breaking news from the leukemia experts was a blessing as was just spending time with a man who has meant so much to my longevity with leukemia. He has cared for me over a decade and this week marked his retirement although his lengthy leukemia-driven plans did not sound like someone who had retired! He will be speaking at CLL symposiums in Italy and Spain later this year.
Dr. M. has consulted extensively through these years with my local family physician. Ironically, both of them were born and raised in Iowa and she came to our home last night to meet Dr. M. and to visit with him. Kevin took this photo last night of me with these two beloved doctors. Dr. M. departed this morning. I pray that our paths will meet again.
Update & Request for Prayer: July 2, 2010
For those of you who prayed today for my PICC line removal to be a success, I thank you. It is out and intact and I had very little bleeding – all answers to my prayer requests. Please continue to pray that it does not develop an infection. My daughter, Stephanie, who has almost earned her Masters degree as a Nurse Practitioner, took me. Thanks, Steph!
My cough continues. Perplexing and puzzling to my physicians and me, we will have to continue to be medical sleuths to determine its cause. Fungal cultures from last week’s bronchoscopy “might” reveal some clues in 4-6 weeks. Sigh. My NIH oncologist suggested that the leukemia might be infiltrating my lungs. If we had considered that possibility last week, a sample of lung tissue could have been removed during the biopsy to determine if the leukemia was present. I believe everything happens for a reason and a purpose, so I will try not to second-guess myself and wish that the biopsy had occurred – that would have increased the risks of the procedure, so I will accept it was God’s will that a tissue sample was not removed.
I will write more in another blog update about our blessed visit by my NIH oncologist this week. What an amazing individual, physician and researcher, Dr. M. is! We enjoyed his presence and update on recent updates on treatments and other considerations. When I asked him if I had made a poor decision when I declined treatment with Revlimid earlier this year, he said definitely not and that he was not impressed with the drug’s performance. Revlimid was the drug that had been recommended in 2009 and I declined it after much prayer. It was re-recommended in early 2010 and I felt that if God had directed my paths away from the drug the previous year, that He would not change His mind. He always knows best, doesn’t he?
Dr. M. also suggested that the great tumor load that I am carrying right now could be adding to my infection rate as much as the degree of immune suppression. He believes that treatment might be in order again, very soon. For the ten thousand dollar question – what treatment can I survive? Please pray for this answer to be made crystal clear for me by the Holy Spirit. If the decision is made to resume chemotherapy/immune therapy, it will probably be very soon since we try to time treatment outside of the winter months due to increased risks of flu and other infections.
Thank you for your continued prayers. Happy Birthday, America!
My cough continues. Perplexing and puzzling to my physicians and me, we will have to continue to be medical sleuths to determine its cause. Fungal cultures from last week’s bronchoscopy “might” reveal some clues in 4-6 weeks. Sigh. My NIH oncologist suggested that the leukemia might be infiltrating my lungs. If we had considered that possibility last week, a sample of lung tissue could have been removed during the biopsy to determine if the leukemia was present. I believe everything happens for a reason and a purpose, so I will try not to second-guess myself and wish that the biopsy had occurred – that would have increased the risks of the procedure, so I will accept it was God’s will that a tissue sample was not removed.
I will write more in another blog update about our blessed visit by my NIH oncologist this week. What an amazing individual, physician and researcher, Dr. M. is! We enjoyed his presence and update on recent updates on treatments and other considerations. When I asked him if I had made a poor decision when I declined treatment with Revlimid earlier this year, he said definitely not and that he was not impressed with the drug’s performance. Revlimid was the drug that had been recommended in 2009 and I declined it after much prayer. It was re-recommended in early 2010 and I felt that if God had directed my paths away from the drug the previous year, that He would not change His mind. He always knows best, doesn’t he?
Dr. M. also suggested that the great tumor load that I am carrying right now could be adding to my infection rate as much as the degree of immune suppression. He believes that treatment might be in order again, very soon. For the ten thousand dollar question – what treatment can I survive? Please pray for this answer to be made crystal clear for me by the Holy Spirit. If the decision is made to resume chemotherapy/immune therapy, it will probably be very soon since we try to time treatment outside of the winter months due to increased risks of flu and other infections.
Thank you for your continued prayers. Happy Birthday, America!
Monday, June 28, 2010
My Help Comes from the Lord
If a song title reflects my current journey of health challenges, this song title is it - My Help Comes from the Lord - by The Museum (Words and Music by Jon Abel, Barry Weeks, Tony Wood and Bryan Brown). I am only walking these daily steps with illness, daily treatments, and leukemia with His help.
LYRICS:
When sorrows come and hope seems gone
You’re the Rock I rest upon
When waters rise and I can’t breathe
You’re the love that rescues me
Out of the darkness
I lift up my eyes
Unto the hills
I feel my faith rise
Chorus
Maker of heaven, giver of life
You are my strength, my song in the night
My refuge, my shelter
Now and forevermore
My help comes from the Lord
When I’m broken, scarred by sin
Death gives way to life again
When I suffer, when I’m bound
In You I’m free, in You I’m found
Out of the darkness
I lift up my eyes
Unto the hills
I feel my faith rise
Chorus
To listen to this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-K3W4G9Q82c&feature=channel
Update & Request for Prayer: June 28, 2010
Today I am receiving my eight hour IVIG treatment. I will try to update the blog despite my medication hazed brain. I received my IV treatments on Saturday and Sunday at the hospital. All twenty-one days' treatments are now infused. However, I have had a really bad few days - probably the worst since being admitted to ICU three weeks ago today. Cough worsening, blood coming out of the sinuses, fever, bad headache, and no energy. My WBC has increased by over 300% since I was admitted to the hospital. This is another indicator that either an infection is not being cleared or the leukemia is rearing its ugly head again.
A praise to report though - on Saturday we learned that the bronchoscopy cultures had revealed I DO NOT HAVE PCP ~ p carnii pneumonia. This is the life-threatening pneumonia that threatens immune compromised patients. We are awaiting other stains and cultures from last week's two scopes. We had hoped that pathology could review the bronchoscopy and endoscopic samples to see if the leukemia has infiltrated my lungs and/or sinuses. Unfortunately, the slides to do this are different than the slides for culturing, so we could not obtain these answers. We are baffled and puzzled why my symptoms are not improving. My Infectious Disease doctor said with continued worsening of symptoms, that we have to consider that the fungal infections have become resistant to the IVs I have just completed and the oral and intranasal antifungals I continue taking. If that proves to be the case, I will have to take Amphotericin B IV's. Please pray this will not be the case. Amphotericin is a horrible drug to take - it is actually referred to as Ampho-Terrible by patients and physicians alike.
On a positive note - I have been seen by Dr. M., a leukemia specialist at the NCI - National Cancer Institute - (Washington, DC) for over a decade. Early on after my diagnosis, I decided to use leukapheresis to help control my very quickly escalating WBC (it was over 200,000 at that time). I located a paper written by this Dr. M., I contacted him, and we began a long-term doctor-patient relationship that has endured for over a decade. I cannot believe that I have outlived his career as his retirement from the NIH will occur this week.
He has treated me and known our girls since they were young pre-teens. While I was still in ICU, he e-mailed me and told me that he will be traveling from DC to Iowa to visit family and that he wanted to come to our home to visit. I told him what a house call that is for a doctor to make. So we are eagerly looking forward to Dr. M. arriving mid-week. In May 2009 when I returned to the NIH, Dr. M. had the unfortunate task to tell Kevin and me that I was "end stage CLL". When we left the NIH, I didn't think we would ever get to see Dr. M. again - but God has kept me alive and kicking and now we will have the honor of his presence at our home. Is that an amazing doctor or what? :-)
I remembered I had not updated on the bronchoscopy and sedation. Most of you know that I am never sedated for procedures because of my drug reactions risks. I just bite the bullet, face the pain and endure what I have to endure. For patients like me who do not use alcohol, drugs and pain medications/sedations, sedation can really mess us up. Such was the case last Thursday with my bronchoscopy. I declined the two sedatives before going to the procedure room and told them if I could endure it, I would prefer not to be sedated at all. I began coughing a lot midway through the procedure, so I had to be given a small amount of sedation. Now I will be harassed about the outcome of that sedation for years to come.
As soon as the pulmonologist brought Kevin back to see me, he told Kevin that he had never performed a bronchoscopy with the patient talking the entire time. That is a feat in itself to talk with a scope down your throat into your lungs! I had been listening to my MP3 player during the procedure and it is loaded with all of my praise and worship music. I was convinced that there was a song about beer drinking and partying on the MP3 and I couldn't figure out how it had gotten on there. (I have reviewed all my songs and no such song exists, but I was convinced that is what I had listened to during the sedation.)
Kevin said that I was "nuttier than a fruitcake" when I returned to the recovery room. I kept asking him to get a ladder (I guess I was plotting my escape). He said I did a lot of singing - and we all know how poorly I sing! He said I kept trying to call people and he was advising me against that. I told one of our daughters it would take about a year for me to receive the culture results (it often seems as though it takes a year!) And there were a few other escapades. I knew better than to be sedated!
Thank you for your continued prayers.
A praise to report though - on Saturday we learned that the bronchoscopy cultures had revealed I DO NOT HAVE PCP ~ p carnii pneumonia. This is the life-threatening pneumonia that threatens immune compromised patients. We are awaiting other stains and cultures from last week's two scopes. We had hoped that pathology could review the bronchoscopy and endoscopic samples to see if the leukemia has infiltrated my lungs and/or sinuses. Unfortunately, the slides to do this are different than the slides for culturing, so we could not obtain these answers. We are baffled and puzzled why my symptoms are not improving. My Infectious Disease doctor said with continued worsening of symptoms, that we have to consider that the fungal infections have become resistant to the IVs I have just completed and the oral and intranasal antifungals I continue taking. If that proves to be the case, I will have to take Amphotericin B IV's. Please pray this will not be the case. Amphotericin is a horrible drug to take - it is actually referred to as Ampho-Terrible by patients and physicians alike.
On a positive note - I have been seen by Dr. M., a leukemia specialist at the NCI - National Cancer Institute - (Washington, DC) for over a decade. Early on after my diagnosis, I decided to use leukapheresis to help control my very quickly escalating WBC (it was over 200,000 at that time). I located a paper written by this Dr. M., I contacted him, and we began a long-term doctor-patient relationship that has endured for over a decade. I cannot believe that I have outlived his career as his retirement from the NIH will occur this week.
He has treated me and known our girls since they were young pre-teens. While I was still in ICU, he e-mailed me and told me that he will be traveling from DC to Iowa to visit family and that he wanted to come to our home to visit. I told him what a house call that is for a doctor to make. So we are eagerly looking forward to Dr. M. arriving mid-week. In May 2009 when I returned to the NIH, Dr. M. had the unfortunate task to tell Kevin and me that I was "end stage CLL". When we left the NIH, I didn't think we would ever get to see Dr. M. again - but God has kept me alive and kicking and now we will have the honor of his presence at our home. Is that an amazing doctor or what? :-)
I remembered I had not updated on the bronchoscopy and sedation. Most of you know that I am never sedated for procedures because of my drug reactions risks. I just bite the bullet, face the pain and endure what I have to endure. For patients like me who do not use alcohol, drugs and pain medications/sedations, sedation can really mess us up. Such was the case last Thursday with my bronchoscopy. I declined the two sedatives before going to the procedure room and told them if I could endure it, I would prefer not to be sedated at all. I began coughing a lot midway through the procedure, so I had to be given a small amount of sedation. Now I will be harassed about the outcome of that sedation for years to come.
As soon as the pulmonologist brought Kevin back to see me, he told Kevin that he had never performed a bronchoscopy with the patient talking the entire time. That is a feat in itself to talk with a scope down your throat into your lungs! I had been listening to my MP3 player during the procedure and it is loaded with all of my praise and worship music. I was convinced that there was a song about beer drinking and partying on the MP3 and I couldn't figure out how it had gotten on there. (I have reviewed all my songs and no such song exists, but I was convinced that is what I had listened to during the sedation.)
Kevin said that I was "nuttier than a fruitcake" when I returned to the recovery room. I kept asking him to get a ladder (I guess I was plotting my escape). He said I did a lot of singing - and we all know how poorly I sing! He said I kept trying to call people and he was advising me against that. I told one of our daughters it would take about a year for me to receive the culture results (it often seems as though it takes a year!) And there were a few other escapades. I knew better than to be sedated!
Thank you for your continued prayers.
Friday, June 25, 2010
A Brief Update
I fell quickly and soundly to sleep last night after the IV treatment and bronchoscopy. I AM receiving my IV this morning and am updating from my phone, so this will be brief. I wanted to thank everyone for your prayers during the bronchoscopy. I was at perfect peace and almost completed the bronchoscopy unsedated. YIKES. I began coughing alot and had to receive some sedation to quiet that. Later I will report my comical performance post sedation
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Urgent Request for Prayer: June 23, 2010
What a day!
I received my IV treatment this morning. I continue to run a temperature and was awake early with nausea and diarrhea from the medications. As I had posted earlier, the plan from yesterday (and my how plans in the world of medicine change) was to schedule the sinus endoscopy and bronchoscopy at the same time on Thursday, so I would be sedated once for two procedures.
As I was receiving my IV this morning, my nurse called and said the ENT wanted a set of sinus x-rays ASAP and that he wanted to perform the scope into my sinuses (to obtain culturing material) today. UGH. I raced from the cancer center to the diagnostic center and had the sinus x-rays performed. I returned home and then two hours later made the round trip again to the ENT's office. He used the endoscope without sedation and went into four openings of my sinuses obtain four sets of culturing material. He predicted it will be Monday before we begin receiving reports.
All of our family came tonight and we celebrated my Mom's 67th Birthday! Happy Birthday, Mom (a day early). I am very, very exhausted. I wish I had just been readmitted to ICU yesterday and I could have been rolled around on my bed to all of these appointments. I learned a valuable lesson during this bout of infections and complications. I am just too ill to be on this nonstop outpatient trip to IV's, tests and procedures.
Tomorrow, I will return for my IV from 10-12. I have to arrive for my bronchoscopy at 1 PM. They are estimating that I will be sedated and undergoing the bronchoscopy from 2:30-4:00 (ET). I never dreamed it would be that lengthy. Then they predict I will recover for 2-4 hours and return home. Then I have to return Friday morning at 9 for another IV (IVs will occur back at the hospital on Saturday and Sunday and my all day IVIG treatment is scheduled for Monday). Of course, any new culture results could change all of these plans.
I truly need God's peace and presence for this procedure. I have my MP3 loaded with my praise and worship music. I am asking that as little sedation as possible be used due to my risks of reactions from the drugs themselves. Please pray that this will go flawlessly. If you have time between 1 and 4 PM (ET) tomorrow, please intercede in prayer for me. Please pray for me to be courageous and bold.
Also, tomorrow, as you pray for me, one of my most trusted leukemia advisors, Dr. Terry, will be admitted and undergoing surgery tomorrow. I told him that I would ask my family and friends to pray for him tomorrow as you pray for me. We are both trusting in our Lord and Savior to bring us through yet another round of medical challenges. He is able.
I received my IV treatment this morning. I continue to run a temperature and was awake early with nausea and diarrhea from the medications. As I had posted earlier, the plan from yesterday (and my how plans in the world of medicine change) was to schedule the sinus endoscopy and bronchoscopy at the same time on Thursday, so I would be sedated once for two procedures.
As I was receiving my IV this morning, my nurse called and said the ENT wanted a set of sinus x-rays ASAP and that he wanted to perform the scope into my sinuses (to obtain culturing material) today. UGH. I raced from the cancer center to the diagnostic center and had the sinus x-rays performed. I returned home and then two hours later made the round trip again to the ENT's office. He used the endoscope without sedation and went into four openings of my sinuses obtain four sets of culturing material. He predicted it will be Monday before we begin receiving reports.
All of our family came tonight and we celebrated my Mom's 67th Birthday! Happy Birthday, Mom (a day early). I am very, very exhausted. I wish I had just been readmitted to ICU yesterday and I could have been rolled around on my bed to all of these appointments. I learned a valuable lesson during this bout of infections and complications. I am just too ill to be on this nonstop outpatient trip to IV's, tests and procedures.
Tomorrow, I will return for my IV from 10-12. I have to arrive for my bronchoscopy at 1 PM. They are estimating that I will be sedated and undergoing the bronchoscopy from 2:30-4:00 (ET). I never dreamed it would be that lengthy. Then they predict I will recover for 2-4 hours and return home. Then I have to return Friday morning at 9 for another IV (IVs will occur back at the hospital on Saturday and Sunday and my all day IVIG treatment is scheduled for Monday). Of course, any new culture results could change all of these plans.
I truly need God's peace and presence for this procedure. I have my MP3 loaded with my praise and worship music. I am asking that as little sedation as possible be used due to my risks of reactions from the drugs themselves. Please pray that this will go flawlessly. If you have time between 1 and 4 PM (ET) tomorrow, please intercede in prayer for me. Please pray for me to be courageous and bold.
Also, tomorrow, as you pray for me, one of my most trusted leukemia advisors, Dr. Terry, will be admitted and undergoing surgery tomorrow. I told him that I would ask my family and friends to pray for him tomorrow as you pray for me. We are both trusting in our Lord and Savior to bring us through yet another round of medical challenges. He is able.
Request for Prayer
Please pray at 320 today. I will have the sinus scope and/or sinus puncture unsedated. It could not be arranged during tomorrow's bronchoscopy at 1. I continue to run a fever. Will try to update tonight when I am not posting from my phone.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Update & Request for Prayer: June 22, 2010
The challenges continue. I returned to outpatient IV treatments yesterday. My lab results revealed that I was (again) neutropenic and I received a Neupogen injection to assist with that concern. My WBC remained quite elevated at 110,000 (Normal WBC being 5000-10,000). This could be an indication that an infection is not being treated.
Dad and Mom (again) took me to receive my IV treatment this morning. I had a bad night last night with a lot of coughing and nausea. My oncology nurse noted this morning that I was coughing more and did not look as though I felt well. This afternoon I realized I was very flushed and sure enough - the fevers had returned. At the request of my doctor, late this afternoon I returned for the second time today to the cancer center. They drew blood cultures (to see if an infection in the bloodstream had originated from my PICC line); performed a urine culture; and other labs. Then I went to the radiology center for a chest x-ray.
My doctor just called me at home (she is an angel). She is very concerned that a fever has developed in the presence of my taking so many antimicrobials (seven). She believes we are now left with no choice but to proceed with a bronchoscopy (scope into my lungs) to gather samples for culturing to determine if we have missed covering any infectious organisms (bacterial, viral or fungal).
It appears that I will most likely be admitted to the hospital on Thursday morning for this procedure. She is also trying to coordinate an endocscopy of my sinuses at the same time so that I do not have to do that unsedated. As many of you know, I am never sedated for anything due to all of the drug reactions that I have experienced. The doctors do not believe that even Stalwart Stacie can endure the bronchoscopy unsedated, These are our prayer requests for tonight.
Please pray for the sedation to go without complication or reaction.
Please pray for the scope to result in providing answers that will help me and that it will not harm me.
Please pray for all of the doctors involved to have wisdom while performing these scopes.
Please pray that the infections will not worsen and that I will not develop septicemia (blood stream infection). I will post more details when they are available.
Please pray that I will have God's peace during these procedures.
Please pray for these infections to begin resolving quickly.
Please pray that I do not develop infections due to the procedures themselves.
Please pray that I will not have any bleeding problems since my platelets are low.
I am so tired and weak. After receiving over two weeks of IV treatments, a week's stay in ICU and everything else that I have experienced over the past two weeks, it is very discouraging to see signs of worsening versus improvement. I will trust Him.
Dad and Mom (again) took me to receive my IV treatment this morning. I had a bad night last night with a lot of coughing and nausea. My oncology nurse noted this morning that I was coughing more and did not look as though I felt well. This afternoon I realized I was very flushed and sure enough - the fevers had returned. At the request of my doctor, late this afternoon I returned for the second time today to the cancer center. They drew blood cultures (to see if an infection in the bloodstream had originated from my PICC line); performed a urine culture; and other labs. Then I went to the radiology center for a chest x-ray.
My doctor just called me at home (she is an angel). She is very concerned that a fever has developed in the presence of my taking so many antimicrobials (seven). She believes we are now left with no choice but to proceed with a bronchoscopy (scope into my lungs) to gather samples for culturing to determine if we have missed covering any infectious organisms (bacterial, viral or fungal).
It appears that I will most likely be admitted to the hospital on Thursday morning for this procedure. She is also trying to coordinate an endocscopy of my sinuses at the same time so that I do not have to do that unsedated. As many of you know, I am never sedated for anything due to all of the drug reactions that I have experienced. The doctors do not believe that even Stalwart Stacie can endure the bronchoscopy unsedated, These are our prayer requests for tonight.
Please pray for the sedation to go without complication or reaction.
Please pray for the scope to result in providing answers that will help me and that it will not harm me.
Please pray for all of the doctors involved to have wisdom while performing these scopes.
Please pray that the infections will not worsen and that I will not develop septicemia (blood stream infection). I will post more details when they are available.
Please pray that I will have God's peace during these procedures.
Please pray for these infections to begin resolving quickly.
Please pray that I do not develop infections due to the procedures themselves.
Please pray that I will not have any bleeding problems since my platelets are low.
I am so tired and weak. After receiving over two weeks of IV treatments, a week's stay in ICU and everything else that I have experienced over the past two weeks, it is very discouraging to see signs of worsening versus improvement. I will trust Him.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Update & Request for Prayer: June 20, 2010
I made the transition back to the hospital for IV treatments over the weekend. That went relatively well once pharmacy decided that they could mix the medication by simply pulling up my records from ICU the previous week. Sometimes wading through the entire medical system seems like a maze. With electronic medical files and other tracking systems, one would think that dilemmas as simple as resolving how to mix the same medicine I have been taking for over two weeks would be relatively simple to resolve.
I continue to be weak and not feeling well at all. After two weeks of my stay in the ICU and daily IV's, I had hoped that I would see more signs of improvement. My temperature continues to swing from my low normal temperature to elevated status. The cough and congestion are also present. Today I have had some strong heart palpitations and in general, malaise,
Yesterday, we went for my IV and then I needed to pick up a birthday gift for our daughter (today is her birthday!), Father's Day gifts, and a few other errands. Kevin had to push me in a wheelchair to accomplish all of this and that is very defeating to me. I need strength - God strength - breathed into my crumpling body.
Especially shocking to all of us, when I weighed on Friday, I had lost 17 pounds in 12 days. Granted, I will always welcome weight loss, but I know that this is much too much weight to lose so quickly. The high dose IV steroids have probably contributed to muscle loss and tumor destruction - both possible sources of the weight loss.
Please continue to pray for the IV treatments to proceed without complications - tomorrow my liver and kidney functions will be rechecked as this medicine can be difficult for the liver and kidneys to excrete. I will also have my regular lab work drawn tomorrow to check platelets, hemoglobin and my neutrophil count (to determine if I need a Neupogen injection) and my PICC line's dressing will be changed when it is flushed. I will return to the oncologists' office Monday through Friday for the IV's and then will return to the hospital next weekend for the IV's.
If, by midweek, the fevers, cough and malaise continue, I will most likely be scheduled for the bronchoscopy (scope into my lungs) to obtain samples to be certain PCP is not causing some of these problems. I will also have to have a sinus scope to reculture the sinuses. My best estimate is these will be scheduled at week's end if we don't note improvement. After next weekend IV's, I will have my usual eight hour IVIG treatment on Monday, June 28th. If I have improved, the PICC line will be removed sometime that week.
I appreciate your continued prayers. I am thankful to be alive today to share my youngest daughter's birthday with her and to share Father's Day with my Dad and my husband.
I continue to be weak and not feeling well at all. After two weeks of my stay in the ICU and daily IV's, I had hoped that I would see more signs of improvement. My temperature continues to swing from my low normal temperature to elevated status. The cough and congestion are also present. Today I have had some strong heart palpitations and in general, malaise,
Yesterday, we went for my IV and then I needed to pick up a birthday gift for our daughter (today is her birthday!), Father's Day gifts, and a few other errands. Kevin had to push me in a wheelchair to accomplish all of this and that is very defeating to me. I need strength - God strength - breathed into my crumpling body.
Especially shocking to all of us, when I weighed on Friday, I had lost 17 pounds in 12 days. Granted, I will always welcome weight loss, but I know that this is much too much weight to lose so quickly. The high dose IV steroids have probably contributed to muscle loss and tumor destruction - both possible sources of the weight loss.
Please continue to pray for the IV treatments to proceed without complications - tomorrow my liver and kidney functions will be rechecked as this medicine can be difficult for the liver and kidneys to excrete. I will also have my regular lab work drawn tomorrow to check platelets, hemoglobin and my neutrophil count (to determine if I need a Neupogen injection) and my PICC line's dressing will be changed when it is flushed. I will return to the oncologists' office Monday through Friday for the IV's and then will return to the hospital next weekend for the IV's.
If, by midweek, the fevers, cough and malaise continue, I will most likely be scheduled for the bronchoscopy (scope into my lungs) to obtain samples to be certain PCP is not causing some of these problems. I will also have to have a sinus scope to reculture the sinuses. My best estimate is these will be scheduled at week's end if we don't note improvement. After next weekend IV's, I will have my usual eight hour IVIG treatment on Monday, June 28th. If I have improved, the PICC line will be removed sometime that week.
I appreciate your continued prayers. I am thankful to be alive today to share my youngest daughter's birthday with her and to share Father's Day with my Dad and my husband.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
PICC Poke: June 16, 2010
It has been another medical marathon day. I left home at 7:45 AM this morning and returned at 6:45 PM. I received my tenth IV infusion of the antifungal today. That is going apparently well, with a bit of nausea and diarrhea attributed to the drug. We are puzzled as my cough continues as does a low grade temperature despite all of these antimicrobials.
Kevin took a vacation day to assist me today. After going for my IV this morning, we drove to Indianapolis and I arrived at the hospital around 1:30 PM. The care was excellent and the PICC (Peripherally Inserted Central Catheter) line insertion procedure went well. It is always difficult to consent to one procedure that has the potential to benefit me yet also has the risk to harm me. This very PICC line could cause an infection in my bloodstream. Please keep this concern as a top matter of prayer over the next two to three weeks.
Since I have experienced all of the drug and contrast dye reactions, I requested that I receive no sedation and no dye for the PICC insertion (just call me stupid, I know). I was taken into the catheter lab and 2 ultrasound technicians, a PICC technician and the radiologist were in attendance. I was placed on a table with an ultrasound device over my chest and an ultrasound wand to the side of the table.
It is at these moments, that I am so thankful that I know a Comforting Father to Whom I can cry out - the loneliness of a procedure room; the fully awake knowledge that a painful procedure is about to occur; the concerns about risks of the procedure ...... all of these thoughts flashed upon the flatscreen of my mind. Immediately, I took a deep breath and began praying. Two Scriptures I repeated over and over:
Psalm 46:10
Be still, and know that I am God........
Hebrews 13:6
So we may boldly say: “The LORD is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?”
The technicians quickly located a very suitable, deep vein (the Basilic vein) in the bicep of my arm. Unfortunately, they told me that the access to the superior vena cava (the large vein that carries blood from the head, neck, arms, and chest to the heart) would be best from my right side. I say unfortunately because I am right handed dominate and I must sleep on my right side (due to my enlarged spleen on the left side) - now very difficult to accomplish with this PICC line running up my right bicep.
With the strength and peace of my Father and no sedation, they made an incision into my bicep and threaded the PICC line/catheter up that vein, through the clavicle area (shoulder blade) and down the vein into my chest to the superior vena cava. This was somewhat uncomfortable and just as the catheter threaded into my chest, my heart must have been displeased and I had some fluttering of my heart and a very strange sensation. I was about to voice my concerns when the radiologist told me that it was in place. They used ultrasound to verify placement and when I looked up to view the screens (just call me curious but I like to see and know what is going on), I could see the fine line transversing through those veins and at the top of every screen, a crystal clear image of my cross was imprinted. It was one of those nice, God-moments that I believe He allowed me to see on that ultrasound view, the PICC line with my cross pictured right above it, as a sign of His reassurance and presence in that room.
Next, the doctor told me that they would begin stitching the PICC line in place with 3-4 stitches. However, they had difficulty with stopping the bleeding. He discussed my platelet issues with me (I have low platelets from the leukemia and platelets clot blood). It took three attempts at pressure before they stopped the bleeding and were able to stitch the line in place. It was dressed (in a nice knit A-line ..... just making sure you were still reading or just scanning this update) .......... and bandaged. I will apply heat to it 3-4 times daily for the next 3 days to help prevent blood clots from forming and we will be meticulous with keeping it clean and dry. It should be ready to use in the morning for my next IV.
Labs will be checked tomorrow, so I am eager to know if improvements have occurred with those. I appreciate your continued prayers. I could sense that many were praying for me this afternoon as I received the PICC line. Thank you for your faithfulness to pray for me, help me and to encourage me.
PS - I really would be a wimp without God on my team!
Kevin took a vacation day to assist me today. After going for my IV this morning, we drove to Indianapolis and I arrived at the hospital around 1:30 PM. The care was excellent and the PICC (Peripherally Inserted Central Catheter) line insertion procedure went well. It is always difficult to consent to one procedure that has the potential to benefit me yet also has the risk to harm me. This very PICC line could cause an infection in my bloodstream. Please keep this concern as a top matter of prayer over the next two to three weeks.
Since I have experienced all of the drug and contrast dye reactions, I requested that I receive no sedation and no dye for the PICC insertion (just call me stupid, I know). I was taken into the catheter lab and 2 ultrasound technicians, a PICC technician and the radiologist were in attendance. I was placed on a table with an ultrasound device over my chest and an ultrasound wand to the side of the table.
It is at these moments, that I am so thankful that I know a Comforting Father to Whom I can cry out - the loneliness of a procedure room; the fully awake knowledge that a painful procedure is about to occur; the concerns about risks of the procedure ...... all of these thoughts flashed upon the flatscreen of my mind. Immediately, I took a deep breath and began praying. Two Scriptures I repeated over and over:
Psalm 46:10
Be still, and know that I am God........
Hebrews 13:6
So we may boldly say: “The LORD is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?”
The technicians quickly located a very suitable, deep vein (the Basilic vein) in the bicep of my arm. Unfortunately, they told me that the access to the superior vena cava (the large vein that carries blood from the head, neck, arms, and chest to the heart) would be best from my right side. I say unfortunately because I am right handed dominate and I must sleep on my right side (due to my enlarged spleen on the left side) - now very difficult to accomplish with this PICC line running up my right bicep.
With the strength and peace of my Father and no sedation, they made an incision into my bicep and threaded the PICC line/catheter up that vein, through the clavicle area (shoulder blade) and down the vein into my chest to the superior vena cava. This was somewhat uncomfortable and just as the catheter threaded into my chest, my heart must have been displeased and I had some fluttering of my heart and a very strange sensation. I was about to voice my concerns when the radiologist told me that it was in place. They used ultrasound to verify placement and when I looked up to view the screens (just call me curious but I like to see and know what is going on), I could see the fine line transversing through those veins and at the top of every screen, a crystal clear image of my cross was imprinted. It was one of those nice, God-moments that I believe He allowed me to see on that ultrasound view, the PICC line with my cross pictured right above it, as a sign of His reassurance and presence in that room.
Next, the doctor told me that they would begin stitching the PICC line in place with 3-4 stitches. However, they had difficulty with stopping the bleeding. He discussed my platelet issues with me (I have low platelets from the leukemia and platelets clot blood). It took three attempts at pressure before they stopped the bleeding and were able to stitch the line in place. It was dressed (in a nice knit A-line ..... just making sure you were still reading or just scanning this update) .......... and bandaged. I will apply heat to it 3-4 times daily for the next 3 days to help prevent blood clots from forming and we will be meticulous with keeping it clean and dry. It should be ready to use in the morning for my next IV.
Labs will be checked tomorrow, so I am eager to know if improvements have occurred with those. I appreciate your continued prayers. I could sense that many were praying for me this afternoon as I received the PICC line. Thank you for your faithfulness to pray for me, help me and to encourage me.
PS - I really would be a wimp without God on my team!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
With Every Breath
I enjoyed listening to this song while I was in the hospital last week. Many long nights in ICU, I have passed by listening to praise and worship music. And this admission was no different. On my new phone, with my room only lit by the lights of equipment blinking and bleeping, I could watch my favorite worship videos all through the night. Several times when sleep was elusive, I would pull a video up and before the song ended, I was comforted and transitioning toward sleep.
Everyday holds such beauty and blessings and hope for each man, woman and child. Take time today and tomorrow to find those reasons to praise the Lord. Perhaps even make a list of the blessings that God has given to you. Don't allow the enemy of our souls to tout you and make you believe that your life is nothing worthy of praise and much too replete with sadness and hardship that God is not deserving of any praise.
God takes great pride in each of His creations - He loved each of His children enough to allow his Son Jesus to die on the cross for the forgiveness of our sins. If for no other reason than this alone, we need to praise Him.
Hallelujah from the heavens
Hallelujah in the heights above the earth
Hallelujah all His angels
Hallelujah for the last will be first
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Hallelujah in the morning
Hallelujah for the beauty of His scars
Hallelujah in the twilight
Hallelujah sun and moon and shining stars
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
When the night seems so long (throw your hands to the sky)
You can sing a new song (wipe the tears from your eyes)
When you're weak, He is strong
He can heal your wounded soul
And calm the storm inside
For all your times of laughter
In every hopeful prayer
When the world weighs on your shoulders
Through sorrow and your despair
With everything, with every breath, praise the Lord
Let everything, let every breath praise the Lord
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Let everything, let every breath praise the Lord
When the night seems so long (throw your hands to the sky)
You can sing a new song (wipe the tears from your eyes)
When you're weak, He is strong
He can heal your wounded soul
And calm the storm inside
Song by Sixpence None The Richer & Jars of Clay
Everyday holds such beauty and blessings and hope for each man, woman and child. Take time today and tomorrow to find those reasons to praise the Lord. Perhaps even make a list of the blessings that God has given to you. Don't allow the enemy of our souls to tout you and make you believe that your life is nothing worthy of praise and much too replete with sadness and hardship that God is not deserving of any praise.
God takes great pride in each of His creations - He loved each of His children enough to allow his Son Jesus to die on the cross for the forgiveness of our sins. If for no other reason than this alone, we need to praise Him.
Hallelujah from the heavens
Hallelujah in the heights above the earth
Hallelujah all His angels
Hallelujah for the last will be first
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Hallelujah in the morning
Hallelujah for the beauty of His scars
Hallelujah in the twilight
Hallelujah sun and moon and shining stars
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
When the night seems so long (throw your hands to the sky)
You can sing a new song (wipe the tears from your eyes)
When you're weak, He is strong
He can heal your wounded soul
And calm the storm inside
For all your times of laughter
In every hopeful prayer
When the world weighs on your shoulders
Through sorrow and your despair
With everything, with every breath, praise the Lord
Let everything, let every breath praise the Lord
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Let everything, let every breath praise the Lord
When the night seems so long (throw your hands to the sky)
You can sing a new song (wipe the tears from your eyes)
When you're weak, He is strong
He can heal your wounded soul
And calm the storm inside
Song by Sixpence None The Richer & Jars of Clay
2010 Cancer Survivor of the Year
PHOTOS ABOVE:
1. First Sunday of each June is recognized as National Cancer Survivors Day.
2. Giving my second interview with local television stations after the presentation -if you know me well, you know that public speaking ranks right up there with chemotherapy for me!
3. Jan, the head oncology nurse who has cared for me for over a decade, read her tribute to me and I tearfully accepted the award from her.
4. My Cancer Survivor of the Year medal.
Since June 6th, I have been ill and in the hospital and have not remembered to post this story. On Sunday, June 6th (prior to being admitted on June 7th), I was honored by the Illinois-Indiana Oncology Nurses as their 2010 Cancer Survivor of the Year. Our family attended their celebration for National Cancer Survivors' Day (always celebrated the first Sunday of each June). Everyone knew about the award and did their best to guarantee that I would be in attendance. I was honored and humbled to be recognized with this award, as I am certain that every person who has battled this horrible disease, is worthy to be a recipient. It was a heart-warming and uplifting day that I spent with my family and members of my local oncology team. Thank you to my God, my family, doctors, nurses and staff who helped me to live this long to be named Cancer Survivor of the Year! It was a bit ironic and uncanny to realize that the Survivor of the Year went from this day of recognition to the ICU in a bit over 12 hours.
Update & Request for Prayer: June 15, 2010
I am sorry that I have not updated the Blog sooner. I am quite sick and very weak, still struggling to overcome these infections and recent set-backs. I was finally discharged from ICU late Sunday night. Sunday was a nightmarish day. I received all three of the IV antifungals and antibiotics, one after the other and then had to be desensitized to yet another antibiotic that I would go home with (oral). This desensitization used the IV version of the drug first and it was toxic to veins. I received 13 doses of this harsh IV medication- varying in quantity and strength (since I was desensitizing). The drug felt like fire creeping down the inside of my already tired veins. I curled up in the bed, tears in my eyes, holding my arms, to no avail. I prayed for God to pass each minute on the clock as quickly as possible. My nurse tried to wrap my arms/veins in warm wraps and that didn't help either. Finally, the long five or six hours of this ended and we realized then that the drug had infiltrated into the deep tissues of my right wrist/lower arm. This area was swollen and very red but is improving today.
As I had mentioned in the last post, many of my counts have just gone out of control. Further proof that the human body is not to be infiltrated with this many powerful drugs at once (if ever). My potassium level was approaching dangerous levels late Sunday and if it had not improved yesterday, I was facing a re-admission to the hospital to begin treatments to lower the potassium. Thank You, Lord, for helping to lower the potassium. It had improved yesterday and will be rechecked tomorrow.
Leaving ICU Sunday night proved to be a deep, personal challenge for me. It is my own personal policy, that I always walk myself into a hospital and I always walk myself out of a hospital (never accepting the customary wheelchair ride out of ICU). This was the first time ever that I could not make my usual, slow walk to the outside world from ICU. I simply could not do it. My legs were and are like jelly. The strength I lost from being in bed 24/7 for one week is staggering. This may seem insignificant to others, but it was a stab in the heart to me. This simple defeat translated to me that I was losing the battle.
Sunday night, we returned home and after not being home long, I went to put on some pajamas and crawl into my own, soft bed. Evidently, I must have blacked out for a moment and fallen, because Kevin found me laying on the floor. My blood pressure and heart rate had been very low and slow all day Sunday, so I assume that was what happened to me.
I had to be awake at 7 AM yesterday and my Dad and Mom took me to the oncologists' office for my first of fourteen IV treatments of the antifungal. After ten attempts in the wee hours of Sunday morning in ICU to locate a vein and start a new IV, the nursing supervisor told the staff not to stick me anymore (after all, we had tried IV's in my hands, arms, shoulders, legs and feet).
I realized yesterday that I was losing vein access and without vein access, I cannot receive the medicine that I require. After yesterday's IV, I contacted my Infectious Disease doctor in Indianapolis to ponder the feasibility of having a PICC line inserted for the remaining IV's. He agreed and made those arrangements for me and I will have that installed tomorrow afternoon (more on that later - my most important prayer request tonight).
Today, Dad and Mom took me for another IV treatment and I made arrangements with insurance for tomorrow's PICC installation and this weekend and next weekend's IV's since I will have to return to the hospital for those. Unless one has walked in these shoes, no one can even imagine what it is like to be this ill, trying to coordinate all of this care, appointments, medicines, insurance requirements, and other logistics just to make it all happen. Thank God, I have always been an organized, determined overachieving type personality. :-)
Tomorrow, I will receive the PICC line at 2 PM (ET) in Indianapolis. They are going to insert this into the deep veins of my bicep area and then thread the catheter up the vein into my chest and into the main vein above my heart. This will be performed in a cardiac catheter lab and they are using ultrasound guidance instead of contrast dye (due to my dye allergies). Due to my multiple drug reactions, I have asked not to be sedated. So, please pray for God's peace and comfort to be mine as I undergo this procedure. I should be done in around an hour they told me.
Secondly, please pray that there will be no complications for me. My platelets run low due to the leukemia, so I am asking for there to be no bleeding or other vascular complications. Lastly, please pray that every medical personnel will pay particular attention to every detail that could help this PICC line to be as sterile as possible. We all realize that the risk of an infection entering my bloodstream through this line is a very serious possibility. Please pray that I can make it through these next 2-3 weeks with no infections in the PICC line until it can be removed. It will be used for all of my IV's and blood draws. My IVIG treatment is a blood treatment and can also be used through the PICC, so I will use the PICC for this treatment on June 30th and then I will returned for its removal probably before the July 4th weekend.
Tonight, as my body struggles against infections and leukemia, I am very, very tired and weak. I can only turn to His Word:
"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." (2 Corinthians 12:9)
Weakness. My body and mind and spirit are tired like never before. This Scripture assures my heart tonight that His strength is going to be made perfect in these very circumstances. His grace is sufficient. I know I cannot, in my own physical strength and courage, survive this. No way, no how. I will step slowly, hour by hour, day by day and keep trusting Him each step of the way. When I don't have any human strength remaining, I trust that the strength of the Holy Spirit will infuse my body.
One word for strength that we sometimes read in Scripture is dunamis - and can be translated "God's miracle working power". That is precisely what I ask for tonight - His miracle working power - His strength to revitalize and reinfuse my failing body with life and health and courage to make it through another setback.
As I had mentioned in the last post, many of my counts have just gone out of control. Further proof that the human body is not to be infiltrated with this many powerful drugs at once (if ever). My potassium level was approaching dangerous levels late Sunday and if it had not improved yesterday, I was facing a re-admission to the hospital to begin treatments to lower the potassium. Thank You, Lord, for helping to lower the potassium. It had improved yesterday and will be rechecked tomorrow.
Leaving ICU Sunday night proved to be a deep, personal challenge for me. It is my own personal policy, that I always walk myself into a hospital and I always walk myself out of a hospital (never accepting the customary wheelchair ride out of ICU). This was the first time ever that I could not make my usual, slow walk to the outside world from ICU. I simply could not do it. My legs were and are like jelly. The strength I lost from being in bed 24/7 for one week is staggering. This may seem insignificant to others, but it was a stab in the heart to me. This simple defeat translated to me that I was losing the battle.
Sunday night, we returned home and after not being home long, I went to put on some pajamas and crawl into my own, soft bed. Evidently, I must have blacked out for a moment and fallen, because Kevin found me laying on the floor. My blood pressure and heart rate had been very low and slow all day Sunday, so I assume that was what happened to me.
I had to be awake at 7 AM yesterday and my Dad and Mom took me to the oncologists' office for my first of fourteen IV treatments of the antifungal. After ten attempts in the wee hours of Sunday morning in ICU to locate a vein and start a new IV, the nursing supervisor told the staff not to stick me anymore (after all, we had tried IV's in my hands, arms, shoulders, legs and feet).
I realized yesterday that I was losing vein access and without vein access, I cannot receive the medicine that I require. After yesterday's IV, I contacted my Infectious Disease doctor in Indianapolis to ponder the feasibility of having a PICC line inserted for the remaining IV's. He agreed and made those arrangements for me and I will have that installed tomorrow afternoon (more on that later - my most important prayer request tonight).
Today, Dad and Mom took me for another IV treatment and I made arrangements with insurance for tomorrow's PICC installation and this weekend and next weekend's IV's since I will have to return to the hospital for those. Unless one has walked in these shoes, no one can even imagine what it is like to be this ill, trying to coordinate all of this care, appointments, medicines, insurance requirements, and other logistics just to make it all happen. Thank God, I have always been an organized, determined overachieving type personality. :-)
Tomorrow, I will receive the PICC line at 2 PM (ET) in Indianapolis. They are going to insert this into the deep veins of my bicep area and then thread the catheter up the vein into my chest and into the main vein above my heart. This will be performed in a cardiac catheter lab and they are using ultrasound guidance instead of contrast dye (due to my dye allergies). Due to my multiple drug reactions, I have asked not to be sedated. So, please pray for God's peace and comfort to be mine as I undergo this procedure. I should be done in around an hour they told me.
Secondly, please pray that there will be no complications for me. My platelets run low due to the leukemia, so I am asking for there to be no bleeding or other vascular complications. Lastly, please pray that every medical personnel will pay particular attention to every detail that could help this PICC line to be as sterile as possible. We all realize that the risk of an infection entering my bloodstream through this line is a very serious possibility. Please pray that I can make it through these next 2-3 weeks with no infections in the PICC line until it can be removed. It will be used for all of my IV's and blood draws. My IVIG treatment is a blood treatment and can also be used through the PICC, so I will use the PICC for this treatment on June 30th and then I will returned for its removal probably before the July 4th weekend.
Tonight, as my body struggles against infections and leukemia, I am very, very tired and weak. I can only turn to His Word:
"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." (2 Corinthians 12:9)
Weakness. My body and mind and spirit are tired like never before. This Scripture assures my heart tonight that His strength is going to be made perfect in these very circumstances. His grace is sufficient. I know I cannot, in my own physical strength and courage, survive this. No way, no how. I will step slowly, hour by hour, day by day and keep trusting Him each step of the way. When I don't have any human strength remaining, I trust that the strength of the Holy Spirit will infuse my body.
One word for strength that we sometimes read in Scripture is dunamis - and can be translated "God's miracle working power". That is precisely what I ask for tonight - His miracle working power - His strength to revitalize and reinfuse my failing body with life and health and courage to make it through another setback.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
New Day, New Concerns
Please continue to pray. This is Day 7 in ICU for me. Several new and puzzling concerns have arisen.
First, overnight 10 attempts were made to begin a new IV and all failed. My veins are simply failing me. The nursing supervisor called off that vein search party and I am trying to make it through today's IV's with the same line. The general consensus is an indwelling port needs to be surgically inserted into my chest - definitely not without risks for me. High on the agenda will be locating a vascular surgeon for this task.
Today is Day 7 for me in ICU. The current plan is to complete this mornings's Tygacil IV antibiotic, desensitize me to yet another oral antibiotic, Doxycycline (to replace the Tygacil upon discharge) and to infuse today's IV Micafungin before release. I will transition the IV Tobra to intranasal Tobra and I will continue IV Micafungin as an outpatient for two additional weeks.
At last, my temperature did return overnight to my normal 97 range and it remained there this morning. This is a praise.
I remain on 20 mg prednisone (twice daily) as I taper off of the earlier IV steroids given to prevent drug reactions and due to the suspected bout of adrenal failure Sunday evening (I have secondary adrenal failure due to chronic steroid use). Glucose levels have been slightly elevated from the steroids, but nothing overly concerning (110-160). Long acting insulin has been used (Lantus).
However, my family physician was just in and she had several bits of puzzling and concerning information.In the last 24 hours, my WBC increased from 70,500 to 136,000. Neupogen was given yesterday and is being given when the ANC drops below 10,000 as I fight these infections.
We cannot locate any specific reasons but my potassium level has been steadily increasing this week from 4.4 on admittance to 5.6 today. I have researched all of these drugs and see no specific reference to hyperkalemia (elevated potassium) from them. My doctor said one or more of these 3 drugs can induce hemolytic anemia (that could increase potassium) but my hemoglobin is improved, not declining. She also mentioned a very high glucose level could increase potassium levels but she wouldn't think so at these levels. She wants this potassium level checked daily and if it reaches 6 she said I will have to be readmitted and treatment against the elevated potassium initiated. I know hypercalcemia can be an oncology emergency and related to the disease process - the many pieces of the puzzle grows more confusing.
Please also pray for my kidneys and liver as these drugs are difficult on them and my related kidney counts are worsening.
First, overnight 10 attempts were made to begin a new IV and all failed. My veins are simply failing me. The nursing supervisor called off that vein search party and I am trying to make it through today's IV's with the same line. The general consensus is an indwelling port needs to be surgically inserted into my chest - definitely not without risks for me. High on the agenda will be locating a vascular surgeon for this task.
Today is Day 7 for me in ICU. The current plan is to complete this mornings's Tygacil IV antibiotic, desensitize me to yet another oral antibiotic, Doxycycline (to replace the Tygacil upon discharge) and to infuse today's IV Micafungin before release. I will transition the IV Tobra to intranasal Tobra and I will continue IV Micafungin as an outpatient for two additional weeks.
At last, my temperature did return overnight to my normal 97 range and it remained there this morning. This is a praise.
I remain on 20 mg prednisone (twice daily) as I taper off of the earlier IV steroids given to prevent drug reactions and due to the suspected bout of adrenal failure Sunday evening (I have secondary adrenal failure due to chronic steroid use). Glucose levels have been slightly elevated from the steroids, but nothing overly concerning (110-160). Long acting insulin has been used (Lantus).
However, my family physician was just in and she had several bits of puzzling and concerning information.In the last 24 hours, my WBC increased from 70,500 to 136,000. Neupogen was given yesterday and is being given when the ANC drops below 10,000 as I fight these infections.
We cannot locate any specific reasons but my potassium level has been steadily increasing this week from 4.4 on admittance to 5.6 today. I have researched all of these drugs and see no specific reference to hyperkalemia (elevated potassium) from them. My doctor said one or more of these 3 drugs can induce hemolytic anemia (that could increase potassium) but my hemoglobin is improved, not declining. She also mentioned a very high glucose level could increase potassium levels but she wouldn't think so at these levels. She wants this potassium level checked daily and if it reaches 6 she said I will have to be readmitted and treatment against the elevated potassium initiated. I know hypercalcemia can be an oncology emergency and related to the disease process - the many pieces of the puzzle grows more confusing.
Please also pray for my kidneys and liver as these drugs are difficult on them and my related kidney counts are worsening.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Slammer Sentence Continues: June 11, 2010
Day Five of my sentence continues (in Intensive Care, not the penitentiary). However, I have noted some similarities. I remain "locked in my 'cell'" 24/7. The food consists of nothing much more palatable than the bread and water rations for inmates. And at times, the punishment (also known as treatment) is brutal.
I apologize for the lapse in reporting. Wednesday and Thursday were challenging days. On Wednesday, care collasped on many fronts. While I most usually will receive exceptional care on this ICU floor, there are always exceptions. A combination of a young nurse, a lack of respect for a patient who advocates for her health care needs and concerns, violation of my HIPPA rights and failing access to veins reached a crescendo on Wednesday. Life in the slammer is certainly not without challenges.
My access to veins for chemotherapy and IV medications has really started to fail. When the IV was lost on Wednesday, it took 14 additional attempts to restart the IV. I even had to relent and agree to attempts to begin IVs in my feet, legs, and shoulders in addition to hands and arms. I am going to be one massive bruise when these IVs conclude.
Yesterday, hospital administration intervened with regard to the non-medical concerns and problems and it was a return to quality nursing care and attention. The IV has held overnight despite being placed in the bend of my wrist of my dominant right hand. Tomorrow night it will have to be replaced, please pray for a site to be easily located and accessed. Discussions continue regarding the risks versus benefits to me to have surgery to "install" a portacath into my chest - this would allow for direct access to the large veins that lead into the heart versus using peripheral veins as we currently are doing.
For reasons that I do not comprehend, schedules here in the "slammer" are quite inhumane. I am exhausted from lack fo sleep. Last night, I finished the fourth and final IV of the day at 11:30 PM. At 3 AM, the lab came to draw more blood. At 4 AM, radiology appeared for another chest x-ray. At 7 AM, the shifts change and the days begins again. I need to go home just to SLEEP.
If I improve over the weekend, it is planned that I will leave ICU Sunday evening. Then I will transition to outpatient IV therapy for a minimum of two additional weeks (seven days a week). Weekdays, I will go to my oncologists' infusion center for IVs and on the weekends, I will return back to this hospital's outpatient infusion center.
I am thankful to see the sunrise today. I am grateful for the amazing doctors and nurses who do respect my self advocacy as a patient and who go beyond the call of duty to help me to heal. I am blessed for family and friends who pray for me, visit me, and help to carry other burdens for me as I lay in this bed. I am eternally grateful for a Savior Who never leaves me, Who comforts me in the darkest hours when I am alone in ICU, and Who has rescued me from death's clutch, time and time again.
I apologize for the lapse in reporting. Wednesday and Thursday were challenging days. On Wednesday, care collasped on many fronts. While I most usually will receive exceptional care on this ICU floor, there are always exceptions. A combination of a young nurse, a lack of respect for a patient who advocates for her health care needs and concerns, violation of my HIPPA rights and failing access to veins reached a crescendo on Wednesday. Life in the slammer is certainly not without challenges.
My access to veins for chemotherapy and IV medications has really started to fail. When the IV was lost on Wednesday, it took 14 additional attempts to restart the IV. I even had to relent and agree to attempts to begin IVs in my feet, legs, and shoulders in addition to hands and arms. I am going to be one massive bruise when these IVs conclude.
Yesterday, hospital administration intervened with regard to the non-medical concerns and problems and it was a return to quality nursing care and attention. The IV has held overnight despite being placed in the bend of my wrist of my dominant right hand. Tomorrow night it will have to be replaced, please pray for a site to be easily located and accessed. Discussions continue regarding the risks versus benefits to me to have surgery to "install" a portacath into my chest - this would allow for direct access to the large veins that lead into the heart versus using peripheral veins as we currently are doing.
For reasons that I do not comprehend, schedules here in the "slammer" are quite inhumane. I am exhausted from lack fo sleep. Last night, I finished the fourth and final IV of the day at 11:30 PM. At 3 AM, the lab came to draw more blood. At 4 AM, radiology appeared for another chest x-ray. At 7 AM, the shifts change and the days begins again. I need to go home just to SLEEP.
If I improve over the weekend, it is planned that I will leave ICU Sunday evening. Then I will transition to outpatient IV therapy for a minimum of two additional weeks (seven days a week). Weekdays, I will go to my oncologists' infusion center for IVs and on the weekends, I will return back to this hospital's outpatient infusion center.
I am thankful to see the sunrise today. I am grateful for the amazing doctors and nurses who do respect my self advocacy as a patient and who go beyond the call of duty to help me to heal. I am blessed for family and friends who pray for me, visit me, and help to carry other burdens for me as I lay in this bed. I am eternally grateful for a Savior Who never leaves me, Who comforts me in the darkest hours when I am alone in ICU, and Who has rescued me from death's clutch, time and time again.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Unending Roller Coaster Ride
The unending roller coaster ride continues. On Tuesday, the Leukemia Lightning Bolt 'Coaster had raced up to the top of the largest hill. Some small improvements and receiving all of this arsenal of drugs without complications allowed for an upturn on the roller coaster ride.
However, late Tuesday, more reports sent the 'Coaster racing downward, speeding out of control and to the bottom of the hill. A third mold has begun growing out on my lung cultures. One of these fungal organisms is enough to battle - but not three.
Luke 1:37
For with God nothing will be impossible.
As the speeding coaster accelerated Tuesday night, plunging, plunging, my spirits plunged as well. On Monday and Tuesday, I was stuck with needles at least 12 times daily. Surgery to install a port or PICC line (where I wouldn't be stuck so many times), was discussed. Now, the general consensus is that this will only pose another infection risk to me. At what point will I say, "No more?" This is frightening because the balance has shifted a great deal this past year - where the battle to live and survive begins to pale in comparison to the hope and promise of Heaven with no pain and suffering.
Psalm 147:3
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
The roller coaster ride zigs and zags through mazes of turns. Most likely, I will have to remain in ICU until Sunday. I will then begin 7 day a week IV infusions - it appears, unfortunately, that while weekdays will be continued at the oncologists' office. However, they have discontinued weekend infusions, so that will mean being readmitted to the hospital for weekend care. Please pray that this will all easily transition next week and that only the antifungal will have to be continued outpatient. If that occurs, then I can watch Lil Man and just need help with him a couple hours per day during the IV's.
Proverbs 16:9
A man’s heart plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps.
All that I can do at this point, is to return my meditations to Mark 5:25-34 (AMP). This disease has induced great suffering and often times, the treatments themselves induce pain and suffering. In the midst of this heartache and pain, I will continue to place my hope and confidence in Him. Either path that this roller coaster ride pursues, will end in victory for me - either I will be healed and whole or I will enter the gates of my eternal Home.
And there was a woman who had had a flow of blood for twelve years, and who had endured much suffering under [the hands of] many physicians and had spent all that she had, and was no better but instead grew worse. She had heard the reports concerning Jesus, and she came up behind Him in the throng and touched His garment.
For she kept saying, 'If I only touch His garments, I shall be restored to health.'
And immediately her flow of blood was dried up at the source, and [suddenly] she felt in her body that she was healed of her [distressing] ailment.
And Jesus, recognizing in Himself that the power proceeding from Him had gone forth, turned around immediately in the crowd and said, 'Who touched My clothes?'
And the disciples kept saying to Him, You see the crowd pressing hard around You from all sides, and You ask, Who touched Me? Still He kept looking around to see her who had done it.
But the woman, knowing what had been done for her, though alarmed and frightened and trembling, fell down before Him and told Him the whole truth.
And He said to her, Daughter, your faith (your trust and confidence in Me, springing from faith in God) has restored you to health. Go (into) peace and be continually healed and freed from your [distressing bodily] disease.
However, late Tuesday, more reports sent the 'Coaster racing downward, speeding out of control and to the bottom of the hill. A third mold has begun growing out on my lung cultures. One of these fungal organisms is enough to battle - but not three.
Luke 1:37
For with God nothing will be impossible.
As the speeding coaster accelerated Tuesday night, plunging, plunging, my spirits plunged as well. On Monday and Tuesday, I was stuck with needles at least 12 times daily. Surgery to install a port or PICC line (where I wouldn't be stuck so many times), was discussed. Now, the general consensus is that this will only pose another infection risk to me. At what point will I say, "No more?" This is frightening because the balance has shifted a great deal this past year - where the battle to live and survive begins to pale in comparison to the hope and promise of Heaven with no pain and suffering.
Psalm 147:3
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
The roller coaster ride zigs and zags through mazes of turns. Most likely, I will have to remain in ICU until Sunday. I will then begin 7 day a week IV infusions - it appears, unfortunately, that while weekdays will be continued at the oncologists' office. However, they have discontinued weekend infusions, so that will mean being readmitted to the hospital for weekend care. Please pray that this will all easily transition next week and that only the antifungal will have to be continued outpatient. If that occurs, then I can watch Lil Man and just need help with him a couple hours per day during the IV's.
Proverbs 16:9
A man’s heart plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps.
All that I can do at this point, is to return my meditations to Mark 5:25-34 (AMP). This disease has induced great suffering and often times, the treatments themselves induce pain and suffering. In the midst of this heartache and pain, I will continue to place my hope and confidence in Him. Either path that this roller coaster ride pursues, will end in victory for me - either I will be healed and whole or I will enter the gates of my eternal Home.
And there was a woman who had had a flow of blood for twelve years, and who had endured much suffering under [the hands of] many physicians and had spent all that she had, and was no better but instead grew worse. She had heard the reports concerning Jesus, and she came up behind Him in the throng and touched His garment.
For she kept saying, 'If I only touch His garments, I shall be restored to health.'
And immediately her flow of blood was dried up at the source, and [suddenly] she felt in her body that she was healed of her [distressing] ailment.
And Jesus, recognizing in Himself that the power proceeding from Him had gone forth, turned around immediately in the crowd and said, 'Who touched My clothes?'
And the disciples kept saying to Him, You see the crowd pressing hard around You from all sides, and You ask, Who touched Me? Still He kept looking around to see her who had done it.
But the woman, knowing what had been done for her, though alarmed and frightened and trembling, fell down before Him and told Him the whole truth.
And He said to her, Daughter, your faith (your trust and confidence in Me, springing from faith in God) has restored you to health. Go (into) peace and be continually healed and freed from your [distressing bodily] disease.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Beautiful Beautiful
These lyrics that are so applicable to my situation today.
Beautiful Beautiful
Francesca Battistelli
Don’t know how it is You looked at me
And saw the person that I could be
Awakening my heart
Breaking through the dark
Suddenly Your grace
(Chorus)
Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful
Now there’s a joy inside I can’t contain
But even perfect days can end in rain
And though it’s pouring down
I see You through the clouds
Shining on my face
(Chorus)
I have come undone
But I have just begun
Changing by Your grace
(Chorus)
To listen to the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSwov6Zp1hY
Beautiful Beautiful
Francesca Battistelli
Don’t know how it is You looked at me
And saw the person that I could be
Awakening my heart
Breaking through the dark
Suddenly Your grace
(Chorus)
Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful
Now there’s a joy inside I can’t contain
But even perfect days can end in rain
And though it’s pouring down
I see You through the clouds
Shining on my face
(Chorus)
I have come undone
But I have just begun
Changing by Your grace
(Chorus)
To listen to the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSwov6Zp1hY
The Much Delayed Update & Request for Prayer: June 8,2010
Sorry for the delay in updating you. God certainly heard and honored all of our prayers yesterday. I have never had to experience three IV drug desensitizations (back to back) in one day, but it went perfectly. I had NO drug reactions or complications. Thank You, Jesus.
To review - most of you recall that I have been fighting these fungal lung infections since early March. I had two positive cultures in May and received sensitivites for one but not the other. My Infectious Disease (ID) doctor wanted the second set before selecting the IV antifungal. I was never at peace with that plan, but accepted it (I do yield to the doctors, once in awhile!) :-) Unfortunately that second culture sample was contaminated by the lab (of ending errors) and sensitivities were delayed. Last Monday was when my neutrophils (infection fighting white blood cells) crashed to the most dangerous level and immediately I had a fever (known as febrile neutropenia). I did not feel well most of the week and weekend and the fevers never ceased.
On Saturday, I e-mailed Dr. H. (THE leukemia specialist of the world who is from the UK). I was becoming increasingly more concerned about my condition and the "wait and see" approach to treating. I suspected, rightfully so, that a bacterial infection had developed with the fungal infections. I mapped out a plan for Dr. H to review about what I thought I needed - checked for CMV; consideration that PCP (P carnii pneumonia) was a threat; and that I needed an IV antifungal; IV Tobramycin given my history of pseudomonas; and a broad spectrum antibiotic to address other infections not yet recognized. Dr. H agreed with my plan.
Unfortunately, I didn't make it to Monday to present the plan to my doctors. Sunday night about 11 I became very ill. I was chilling and had rigors so hard my teeth were chattering, despite having a pile of blankets covering me. My heart rate began racing and my blood pressure was all over the place. I didn't think I was going to make it. This lasted for over five hours. I made the decision not to go to the ER. It always promises to be a nightmare of an experience and I was willing to take my chances at home. I assumed Sunday night that I was septic (infection in bloodstream) or the infections were causing these symptoms.
I reached my doctor on Monday morning. She called my ID doctor. (And this was the God-thing) he devised a plan that was almost identical to what I had proposed to Dr. H (and these doctors hadn't discussed my plan with me)! They admitted me immediately to ICU yesterday morning. Evidently, due to the stress on my body from the infections, leukemia, and fever, I had gone into acute adrenal failure, which can be deadly. I already have secondary adrenal failure from all of the steroids I have used and I had forgotten to add extra steroid coverage (I live on steroids to support adrenals) when I worsened. Thus, the crash. Once again, He heard my prayers and saw my tears and pulled me through.
The ID doctor prescribed:
-IV Tygacil - a new, powerful broad spectrum antibiotic
-IV Micagungin - antifungal
-IV Tobramycin - powerful antibiotic to defend against Pseudomonas and other gram negative dangerous bacteria (in combination with the Cipro I take daily) Note: Never allow a doctor to treat Pseudomonas with just one antibiotic.
-10 days of Neupogen injections (One of my primary prayer requests right now is that God will have to sustain my counts. One side effect of each of these three drugs is pancytopenia - meaning that they can all cause declines in neutrophils, hemoglobin, and platelets - not good when you have counts like we leukemia patients usually walk around with!) Also, one of the drugs has the potential to induce deafness, so please pray protection over my ears.
The Germ Patrol has cultured about everything humanly possible in my body, so we "patiently" await those results.
They called in a critical care pulmonologist to consult with me. He agreed with the plan of action but remains concerned about an indolent form of PCP that does not always show on x-ray. He ordered an LDH level and told me that there is some research to indicate that SOMETIMES - and he emphasized this - that an elevated LDH level can indicate PCP pneumonia - my LDH was normal. Another praise.
Unfortunately, I have had to continue on IV steroids - 4 times daily. So be looking for my bloated, steroid face coming to a town near you (but the steroids do de-bloat my enlarged spleen and lymph nodes - YIPPEE)! :-) And as always, when I take IV high dose steroids, I become insulin dependent. I am receiving two kinds of insulin, four times daily to help control my glucose levels until the IV steroids can be tapered.
The Tygacil poses great risks because it is in a class of drugs that I have severely reacted to in the past. Kevin had waited all evening to be here when they started it. Finally, at 10last night, I told him to go home - I was at peace and he needed sleep. I am certain God sent me an Angel Nurse - a Christian who stayed with me the entire infusion and all we did was talk about the Lord, quote Scriptures to each other, and discuss the Rapture. I was blessed. My Provider had not neglected me once again. All of my nurses have been exceptional this admission.
No one will even mention when I am going to be discharged. Based on past similar experiences, I will probably be in ICU all of a week - best case scenario - so keep those e-mails coming because it is soooo boring. I am almost totally restrained with leg pumps on both legs (to prevent another Pulmonary Embolus); heart monitor cords, pulse ox monitor and blood pressure cuff.
Good news today - my deeply clouded mind (always a sign to us that I am in trouble) has cleared some. I couldn't even compose an update yesterday and you know I am the wordy wordsmith who can crank out essays with ease (normally) :-) My temperature has decreased - if it doesn't resolve then the bronchoscopy (scope into lungs) will be scheduled. So I am very grateful to see that. My BP is still low (60/40; 70/50). Pulse ox is better, so that is good. I think one of these weapons of mass destruction has reached its target (infection) successfully!
Sunday night when I was so ill I kept reading these words I had written. They have encouraged me so these past couple of days. I pray that you will be encouraged today. God, You are my Hero! And all of your prayers have been very much appreciated. This load is so heavy, yet God has promised me His strength. I exist and function through the strength the Holy Spirit bestows upon me. Guidance, power and peace -- I am moving toward a Higher Place. Earth is nothing but a place I stopped to "visit" for a short while, known as life. I am a pilgrim on this journey of life. He knows. He bore His pain with such courage and grace on the cross - May I only do partially as well as I face my pain - let courage and grace and love and joy still flow from my body, even when it is crumbling. May His message of forgiveness, love, hope and eternal life be shared through my life each day.
Disclaimer - Please overlook errors due to my being mentally challenged and over-drugged at the moment (remember my "I have a customer on my head update" - should have been cyst not a customer but that provided a good laugh. :-)
To review - most of you recall that I have been fighting these fungal lung infections since early March. I had two positive cultures in May and received sensitivites for one but not the other. My Infectious Disease (ID) doctor wanted the second set before selecting the IV antifungal. I was never at peace with that plan, but accepted it (I do yield to the doctors, once in awhile!) :-) Unfortunately that second culture sample was contaminated by the lab (of ending errors) and sensitivities were delayed. Last Monday was when my neutrophils (infection fighting white blood cells) crashed to the most dangerous level and immediately I had a fever (known as febrile neutropenia). I did not feel well most of the week and weekend and the fevers never ceased.
On Saturday, I e-mailed Dr. H. (THE leukemia specialist of the world who is from the UK). I was becoming increasingly more concerned about my condition and the "wait and see" approach to treating. I suspected, rightfully so, that a bacterial infection had developed with the fungal infections. I mapped out a plan for Dr. H to review about what I thought I needed - checked for CMV; consideration that PCP (P carnii pneumonia) was a threat; and that I needed an IV antifungal; IV Tobramycin given my history of pseudomonas; and a broad spectrum antibiotic to address other infections not yet recognized. Dr. H agreed with my plan.
Unfortunately, I didn't make it to Monday to present the plan to my doctors. Sunday night about 11 I became very ill. I was chilling and had rigors so hard my teeth were chattering, despite having a pile of blankets covering me. My heart rate began racing and my blood pressure was all over the place. I didn't think I was going to make it. This lasted for over five hours. I made the decision not to go to the ER. It always promises to be a nightmare of an experience and I was willing to take my chances at home. I assumed Sunday night that I was septic (infection in bloodstream) or the infections were causing these symptoms.
I reached my doctor on Monday morning. She called my ID doctor. (And this was the God-thing) he devised a plan that was almost identical to what I had proposed to Dr. H (and these doctors hadn't discussed my plan with me)! They admitted me immediately to ICU yesterday morning. Evidently, due to the stress on my body from the infections, leukemia, and fever, I had gone into acute adrenal failure, which can be deadly. I already have secondary adrenal failure from all of the steroids I have used and I had forgotten to add extra steroid coverage (I live on steroids to support adrenals) when I worsened. Thus, the crash. Once again, He heard my prayers and saw my tears and pulled me through.
The ID doctor prescribed:
-IV Tygacil - a new, powerful broad spectrum antibiotic
-IV Micagungin - antifungal
-IV Tobramycin - powerful antibiotic to defend against Pseudomonas and other gram negative dangerous bacteria (in combination with the Cipro I take daily) Note: Never allow a doctor to treat Pseudomonas with just one antibiotic.
-10 days of Neupogen injections (One of my primary prayer requests right now is that God will have to sustain my counts. One side effect of each of these three drugs is pancytopenia - meaning that they can all cause declines in neutrophils, hemoglobin, and platelets - not good when you have counts like we leukemia patients usually walk around with!) Also, one of the drugs has the potential to induce deafness, so please pray protection over my ears.
The Germ Patrol has cultured about everything humanly possible in my body, so we "patiently" await those results.
They called in a critical care pulmonologist to consult with me. He agreed with the plan of action but remains concerned about an indolent form of PCP that does not always show on x-ray. He ordered an LDH level and told me that there is some research to indicate that SOMETIMES - and he emphasized this - that an elevated LDH level can indicate PCP pneumonia - my LDH was normal. Another praise.
Unfortunately, I have had to continue on IV steroids - 4 times daily. So be looking for my bloated, steroid face coming to a town near you (but the steroids do de-bloat my enlarged spleen and lymph nodes - YIPPEE)! :-) And as always, when I take IV high dose steroids, I become insulin dependent. I am receiving two kinds of insulin, four times daily to help control my glucose levels until the IV steroids can be tapered.
The Tygacil poses great risks because it is in a class of drugs that I have severely reacted to in the past. Kevin had waited all evening to be here when they started it. Finally, at 10last night, I told him to go home - I was at peace and he needed sleep. I am certain God sent me an Angel Nurse - a Christian who stayed with me the entire infusion and all we did was talk about the Lord, quote Scriptures to each other, and discuss the Rapture. I was blessed. My Provider had not neglected me once again. All of my nurses have been exceptional this admission.
No one will even mention when I am going to be discharged. Based on past similar experiences, I will probably be in ICU all of a week - best case scenario - so keep those e-mails coming because it is soooo boring. I am almost totally restrained with leg pumps on both legs (to prevent another Pulmonary Embolus); heart monitor cords, pulse ox monitor and blood pressure cuff.
Good news today - my deeply clouded mind (always a sign to us that I am in trouble) has cleared some. I couldn't even compose an update yesterday and you know I am the wordy wordsmith who can crank out essays with ease (normally) :-) My temperature has decreased - if it doesn't resolve then the bronchoscopy (scope into lungs) will be scheduled. So I am very grateful to see that. My BP is still low (60/40; 70/50). Pulse ox is better, so that is good. I think one of these weapons of mass destruction has reached its target (infection) successfully!
Sunday night when I was so ill I kept reading these words I had written. They have encouraged me so these past couple of days. I pray that you will be encouraged today. God, You are my Hero! And all of your prayers have been very much appreciated. This load is so heavy, yet God has promised me His strength. I exist and function through the strength the Holy Spirit bestows upon me. Guidance, power and peace -- I am moving toward a Higher Place. Earth is nothing but a place I stopped to "visit" for a short while, known as life. I am a pilgrim on this journey of life. He knows. He bore His pain with such courage and grace on the cross - May I only do partially as well as I face my pain - let courage and grace and love and joy still flow from my body, even when it is crumbling. May His message of forgiveness, love, hope and eternal life be shared through my life each day.
Disclaimer - Please overlook errors due to my being mentally challenged and over-drugged at the moment (remember my "I have a customer on my head update" - should have been cyst not a customer but that provided a good laugh. :-)
Monday, May 31, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Encouragement for the Soul
"All I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Don't bother to give God instructions. Just report for duty."
--Corrie ten Boom
"Get into the habit about dealing with God about everything. Unless in the first waking moment of the day you learn to fling the door wide back and let God in, you will work on a wrong level all day; but swing the door wide open and pray to your Father in secret, and every public thing will be stamped with the presence of God."
--Oswald Chambers
"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."
--Corrie ten Boom
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Don't bother to give God instructions. Just report for duty."
--Corrie ten Boom
"Get into the habit about dealing with God about everything. Unless in the first waking moment of the day you learn to fling the door wide back and let God in, you will work on a wrong level all day; but swing the door wide open and pray to your Father in secret, and every public thing will be stamped with the presence of God."
--Oswald Chambers
"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."
--Corrie ten Boom
Monday, May 17, 2010
Sound Familiar?
2 Timothy 3 (NIV)
Godlessness in the Last Days
But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with them.
They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over weak-willed women, who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires, always learning but never able to acknowledge the truth. Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses, so also these men oppose the truth—men of depraved minds, who, as far as the faith is concerned, are rejected. But they will not get very far because, as in the case of those men, their folly will be clear to everyone.
2 Timothy 3 (The Message)
Difficult Times Ahead
Don't be naive. There are difficult times ahead. As the end approaches, people are going to be self-absorbed, money-hungry, self-promoting, stuck-up, profane, contemptuous of parents, crude, coarse, dog-eat-dog, unbending, slanderers, impulsively wild, savage, cynical, treacherous, ruthless, bloated windbags, addicted to lust, and allergic to God. They'll make a show of religion, but behind the scenes they're animals. Stay clear of these people.
These are the kind of people who smooth-talk themselves into the homes of unstable and needy women and take advantage of them; women who, depressed by their sinfulness, take up with every new religious fad that calls itself "truth." They get exploited every time and never really learn. These men are like those old Egyptian frauds Jannes and Jambres, who challenged Moses. They were rejects from the faith, twisted in their thinking, defying truth itself. But nothing will come of these latest impostors. Everyone will see through them, just as people saw through that Egyptian hoax.
Sound familiar? Each time that I read and meditate on this passage of Scriptures, my spirit is moved. To consider that these Words were penned so many years ago yet remain current in their descriptions of our society, is truly a testament to the relevance of God's Word for all times. These passages read like today's newspapers. Self-consumed people focused on themselves and what pleasures them, versus focusing on God's Word and His plan for their lives, is common.
Take a moment and studiously read these passages from the NIV and The Message versions of the Bible. May we each take a highlighter and highlight the descriptive phrases that could have been written specifically to describe our actions or our behaviors. After we have completed this task in self-examination, let us each take the time to pray for the Holy Spirit to work in our lives to eradicate these negative traits that drive a stake into the heart of Jesus each time we fail Him and disobey His advice for our daily living.
Another way of meditating on these Scriptures might be to write, "As God's child, I shall ...." and then insert the polar opposite of each descriptive term or passage from these wise words written in 2 Timothy. "As God's child, I shall have self-control." "As God's child, I shall be a lover of God." I believe if each of us will study these life-giving Words and strive to refocus our lives in obedience to God, that our lives will shine brightly in a very dark world. And Heaven knows that this world needs to see The Light.
Godlessness in the Last Days
But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with them.
They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over weak-willed women, who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires, always learning but never able to acknowledge the truth. Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses, so also these men oppose the truth—men of depraved minds, who, as far as the faith is concerned, are rejected. But they will not get very far because, as in the case of those men, their folly will be clear to everyone.
2 Timothy 3 (The Message)
Difficult Times Ahead
Don't be naive. There are difficult times ahead. As the end approaches, people are going to be self-absorbed, money-hungry, self-promoting, stuck-up, profane, contemptuous of parents, crude, coarse, dog-eat-dog, unbending, slanderers, impulsively wild, savage, cynical, treacherous, ruthless, bloated windbags, addicted to lust, and allergic to God. They'll make a show of religion, but behind the scenes they're animals. Stay clear of these people.
These are the kind of people who smooth-talk themselves into the homes of unstable and needy women and take advantage of them; women who, depressed by their sinfulness, take up with every new religious fad that calls itself "truth." They get exploited every time and never really learn. These men are like those old Egyptian frauds Jannes and Jambres, who challenged Moses. They were rejects from the faith, twisted in their thinking, defying truth itself. But nothing will come of these latest impostors. Everyone will see through them, just as people saw through that Egyptian hoax.
Sound familiar? Each time that I read and meditate on this passage of Scriptures, my spirit is moved. To consider that these Words were penned so many years ago yet remain current in their descriptions of our society, is truly a testament to the relevance of God's Word for all times. These passages read like today's newspapers. Self-consumed people focused on themselves and what pleasures them, versus focusing on God's Word and His plan for their lives, is common.
Take a moment and studiously read these passages from the NIV and The Message versions of the Bible. May we each take a highlighter and highlight the descriptive phrases that could have been written specifically to describe our actions or our behaviors. After we have completed this task in self-examination, let us each take the time to pray for the Holy Spirit to work in our lives to eradicate these negative traits that drive a stake into the heart of Jesus each time we fail Him and disobey His advice for our daily living.
Another way of meditating on these Scriptures might be to write, "As God's child, I shall ...." and then insert the polar opposite of each descriptive term or passage from these wise words written in 2 Timothy. "As God's child, I shall have self-control." "As God's child, I shall be a lover of God." I believe if each of us will study these life-giving Words and strive to refocus our lives in obedience to God, that our lives will shine brightly in a very dark world. And Heaven knows that this world needs to see The Light.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Another College Graduation
Today, I was blessed to attend our youngest daughter's college graduation. She received her Masters Degree at age 24. Her twin sisters will earn their Masters degrees in December. I could recall the ponderings I once had if I would live to see their high school graduations. Thank You, Lord for this life you have given to me.
For Kristin on the day of your May 8, 2010 graduation, I give you these reminders from Your Heavenly Father. I am very proud of you. I love you so very much but He loves you even more:
Joshua 1:9
...Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Psalm 71:5
For You are my hope, O Lord GOD;
You are my trust from my youth.
Psalm 119:9
How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to Your Word.
Psalm 119:105
Your Word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge Him,
and He will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 19:21
Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.
Romans 8:28
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.
1 Timothy 4:12
Don’t let anyone think less of you because you are young. Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity.
Monday, May 3, 2010
You Cannot
When I read these insightful statements this week, I realized once again, what a frightening course our government leaders have directed our country onto. The country I have always loved is being snatched from right beneath our noses. Will there even be a remnant remaining of the Country our founding fathers established for my grandchildren?
Many attribute these ponderings to Abraham Lincoln, however, others speculate that a Presbyterian minister, William J.H. Boetcker, as being the author. To me, these wise statements do not know sound like the transition to Socialism that I witness in our wonderful Democratic, Capitalist nation.
You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift. You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong. You cannot help the poor man by destroying the rich. You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred. You cannot build character and courage by taking away man's initiative and independence. You cannot help small men by tearing down big men. You cannot lift the wage earner by pulling down the wage payer. You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than your income. You cannot establish security on borrowed money. You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they will not do for themselves.
Many attribute these ponderings to Abraham Lincoln, however, others speculate that a Presbyterian minister, William J.H. Boetcker, as being the author. To me, these wise statements do not know sound like the transition to Socialism that I witness in our wonderful Democratic, Capitalist nation.
You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift. You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong. You cannot help the poor man by destroying the rich. You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred. You cannot build character and courage by taking away man's initiative and independence. You cannot help small men by tearing down big men. You cannot lift the wage earner by pulling down the wage payer. You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than your income. You cannot establish security on borrowed money. You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they will not do for themselves.
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