Today I spent a long day in the chemo chair. My monthly IVIG treatment concluded this rather hectic week. Another 3000 people's immunoglobulins, harvested from their blood donations, merged into my veins and will go work to strengthen my immune system. Thank you to those of you who donate blood, including our daughter this week.
Yesterday, I had my second electroacupuncture treatment (see earlier post for more details). The amount of current that was used was increased and it was an interesting thirty minutes in the "electric chair". What I found very encouraging and intriguing was after the treatment that I had twinges in my spleen (where there is much leukemia) and later last night I developed the deep bone pain in my hip bones that I have with Neupogen. Neupogen causes this pain as it stimulates my bone marrow to produce neutrophils, so I believe the electroacupuncture was stimulating my marrow to produce the much needed platelets and red cells!
As I sat in my drug-induced confusion and grogginess today, I decided to try to research and locate the physician who authored the paper on electroacupuncture improving the myelosuppression in a leukemia patient. I found that he is a professor at Yale. So I wrote Yale with my questions for this physician and asked that they forward to him. In the hours at the cancer center today, he received my e-letter, responded and has offered to speak with my physician as she needs additional information for this unique protocol we are experimenting with for the next 6 weeks.
I have reached my "final answer" on the OSU recommendation to begin treatment with Revlimid. No. No. No. Such a simple word to express such an agonizing decision. Although, this second time of considering Revlimid did not take nearly as much time or thought to arrive at the answer. Last April and May when I debated this new, risky treatment, I felt that God truly guided me away from it. And this year, one Scripture returned to me over and over as I pondered its use: "For I am the Lord, I do not change" (Malachi 3:6). If I was truly convinced last year that the Lord did not want me to pursue that path, I don't believe He would change on that guidance to me.
To further confirm this to me, today at my local oncologist's office, his head nurse told me that they "had" treated their first CLL patient with Revlimid. "Had" meaning that he did not survive. It was so eye opening to me - I know the potential side effects of Revlimid backward and forward. But to hear about a local man taking the first dose, going into kidney failure and requiring dialysis, only to recover and take a second dose that resulted in an anaphylactic drug reaction and his intubation, infection with pneumonia and death, was brutally near to my heart and soul. These drugs, although some hold the "promise" of extending life (I am still convinced that God is the only one capable of this - consider Hezekiah), they also hold the threat of imminent death when they are taken.
Within an hour of hearing this account from my nurse, I received an e-mail from one of my most trusted NIH physicians. I had told him that my family doctor and I had definite reservations about my taking Revlimid and he responded that "he agreed with us". The Good Lord just wanted to be certain that I was confident in my decision and in Him!
I return over and over to the Hezekiah account. 2 Kings 20 details his plight:
1 In those days Hezekiah was sick and near death. And Isaiah the prophet, the son of Amoz, went to him and said to him, “Thus says the LORD: ‘Set your house in order, for you shall die, and not live.’”2 Then he turned his face toward the wall, and prayed to the LORD, saying, 3 “Remember now, O LORD, I pray, how I have walked before You in truth and with a loyal heart, and have done what was good in Your sight.” And Hezekiah wept bitterly. 4 And it happened, before Isaiah had gone out into the middle court, that the word of the LORD came to him, saying, 5 “Return and tell Hezekiah the leader of My people, ‘Thus says the LORD, the God of David your father: “I have heard your prayer, I have seen your tears; surely I will heal you. On the third day you shall go up to the house of the LORD. 6 And I will add to your days fifteen years. I will deliver you and this city from the hand of the king of Assyria; and I will defend this city for My own sake, and for the sake of My servant David.”’” 7 Then Isaiah said, “Take a lump of figs.” So they took and laid it on the boil, and he recovered. 8 And Hezekiah said to Isaiah, “What is the sign that the LORD will heal me, and that I shall go up to the house of the LORD the third day?” 9 Then Isaiah said, “This is the sign to you from the LORD, that the LORD will do the thing which He has spoken: shall the shadow go forward ten degrees or go backward ten degrees?” 10 And Hezekiah answered, “It is an easy thing for the shadow to go down ten degrees; no, but let the shadow go backward ten degrees.” 11 So Isaiah the prophet cried out to the LORD, and He brought the shadow ten degrees backward, by which it had gone down on the sundial of Ahaz.
What can we learn from this? Hezekiah had been given his death order - just as I was given on Monday. Get your affairs in order - we're talking months now and not even years. It does not take many sunrises for a month to dissipate like a vapor. No other information on Hezekiah is given to us after we learn of his prediction of imminent death before we read precisely what Hezekiah did - he turned to the Lord, prayed, reflected on his own service to the Father, and he wept. After all, Hezekiah was flesh and blood just like me. Perhaps rapid-fire visions of his children or grandchildren or family raced through his mind and the tears arrived. Although I know a glorious Heavenly Mansion awaits me, I would like some more time on earth to share with those I most love.
Hezekiah was reassured that the Lord had "heard his prayers and seen his tears". This verse has always been intimately dear to me. Of all of the humanity on the face of this earth, God hears MY prayers and sees MY tears. He is a personal God, concerned about each of His creations. When no one else knows the prayers of my hearts or sees the tears that come in the middle of the night, God sees and understands. He comforts. He continues to grant me with more life, just as he promised healing and fifteen more years to Hezekiah. How many times have I uttered, "Fifteen more years, Lord. Fifteen more years"!
I am certain that the reason that I have survived this long is that I seek God's guidance and that He hears those prayers and guides me through His Holy Spirit. There will be a day that will be my last. (Sorry to burst your bubbles, but all of my readers will have that last day too!) But I am assured that when He finally calls me home, it will at the exact time He determined for me. I don't want to make missteps and commit to a drug that could rob me of life. Decision making is crucial to our lives. When we try to fly solo and make decisions on what WE think is best or what SOMEONE else thinks is right, without consulting our Maker, we will be in serious, serious trouble. He speaks to us through his Holy Word. If we never open a Bible, how can we begin to surmise that we know the path we should pursue with our lives? It is impossible to remain on track without following His instruction.
So that is what I am doing - praying, seeking guidance and reassurance from His Word, listening to Godly counsel from others, and trusting. I know that when I make the decision to either seek out another treatment or just accept my life as it is and believe that God will relocate me at just the precise moment, that it will be the decision that is in my best interest. That kind of confidence can only come from the Lord.
This has been a gut wrenching week filled with bad reports and predictions. This week, I took the time to reread something that our daughter wrote to me last year when I was told that I was "end stage leukemia": "Maybe you just needed all of these reports on record so that when your miracle comes along you'll have proof for everyone of what a miracle it actually is!" Amen.
Note: Although I arrived at the decision not to treat with Revlimid, it is a drug that has helped many people and will continue to help many people. All cancer drugs pose risks and threats to us and I do not want this post on Revlimid to frighten others who might want to try it.
