5513 Days

5513 days. Fourteen years ago today, I was diagnosed with leukemia. In many ways it seems that I have endured this battle my entire life. I close my eyes tightly, focus, and my mind's instant replay cannot locate a memory of how it feels not to be sick or in pain.

That steamy August day will never be forgotten. I can envision myself preparing for the appointment and singing over and over the chorus Sanctuary:

Lord, prepare me
To be a sanctuary,
Pure and holy
Tried and true.
With thanksgiving,
I’ll be a
Living Sanctuary
For You.

Driving into the cancer center’s parking lot, those lyrics still replayed in my mind. To lift my feet to walk into the office felt like I had lead feet. The racing of my heart reached a crescendo as the doctor ever so callously handed me a sheet of paper.....highlighted in yellow were the life altering words: Diagnosis: Leukemia. The words, “NO! NO! NO!” resounded in my mind but could not locate the pathway to my lips.

On our 20 minute drive home, my husband and I had to quickly decide what we were going to say when we pulled into our driveway to face our three young daughters. I knew without hesitation that we must tell them the truth. John 8:32 instructs us: “…..and the truth will set you free.” I detest lying and I never lied to my daughters, I was not going to be a mother of deception and most importantly, I was assured that “All things work together for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).” Even on this darkest day, hope and goodness would emerge.

God has answered that musical prayer I sang repeatedly that morning of my diagnosis. He prepared and continues to prepare me to be a LIVING SANCTUARY FOR HIM. He has given life days and years beyond what anyone predicted for me. Just this morning, my nurse asked me how I have the peace and hope that I do in the midst of such a medical prognosis of having “months to a year” to live. And I replied, “Because I know how wonderful my eternal destination will be!”

Would it have been easier not to have trudged this path? Most definitely.I have had thousands of blood draws and painful tests and procedures. I have traveled tens of thousands of miles in search of the world’s best doctors. I have nearly died multiple times from numerous infections and drug reactions. And I have read and researched thousands of pages of medical journals, textbooks, and studies.

Yet, if I had not walked down this dusty trail, I never would have known the depth of the love and relationship that I have with my Heavenly Father. I read this quote this morning, and it is quite applicable to my life passage:

"Perhaps one reason God delays His answers to our prayers is because
He knows we need to be with Him far more than we need
the things we ask of Him."
- Ben Patterson

God has answered uncountable prayers for me. A brief recap would include the multiple times He has reached down and grasped me from death’s claw. Also, He multiplied those 3 years I was told I would live when diagnosed into 14 years of life to watch our daughters grow, graduate, marry and to become a Grammy. He allowed me to mature and age from a 32 year old young mother to an almost 47 year old grandmother with a few grey hairs and tiny wrinkles. I would have applied moisturizer if I had known that death wasn’t going to knock at age 35!

God, the Potter, has taken the lump of clay known as Stacie and has molded and refined me through these trials. He knew trials such as these can devastate people without faith, however for His children, God knows that life’s fires refine us to be more like our Heavenly Father. Until I breathe my last breath, I pray I will grow to reflect my Savior more and more.

I am certain that this topsy-turvy voyage my family has sailed together has been life altering and challenging. I am also certain that nuggets of goodness have emerged. GOD will allow GOOD to emerge from tribulations when we remain obedient, faithful, hopeful, joyful and grounded in Him. Some of the golden life nuggets that I have witnessed from our family’s journey include …..

Our oldest daughter is a nurse (almost Nurse Practitioner) and her nursing skills are a reflection of all the exceptional nurses who have cared for me and are void of the nursing skills that lacked in compassion and competency. Her patients’ families often comment on the care that she extends to her patients’ families. For many long years, she was that young daughter who sat in the hospital with me. She understands the needs that families possess and the needs of her patients. She has battled a lifetime of congenital heart disease and I see her with the same passion for research of her condition and advocacy for the disease on even the national level as her Mom possesses.

Our second daughter (by only three minutes) has strength and determination and fortitude as she copes with her own health challenges as a Type 1 diabetic. She, too, researches her disease, locates reputable physicians, and engages every resource available to her. I hope that something I have implemented as a chronic disease patient has touched her own spirit. She has translated her own trials into her work with many other diabetic patients as a Registered Dietitian. Young, newly diagnosed diabetic patients have often been touched by our daughter’s own experiences. Recently she told me of a young girl who was brought by her mother for a consultation with our daughter. She, too, had been diagnosed as a Type I diabetic and was full of anger and frustration. Her body language told our daughter that she was angry to be in her office. After our daughter shared her own journey and the young girl could see a successful, beautiful diabetic living life fully, she softened. And when the consultation ended, she told our daughter, “You are the coolest dietitian I’ve ever met!” Another life changed.

God chose a different life path for our youngest daughter. As passionate as her twin sisters are about their medical careers, our youngest daughter cannot look at blood, despises all medical procedures and followed a career in marketing and advertising. She has gained a heart of compassion through our journey. She is touched by the homeless man on a bicycle with his homeless dogs and offers a drink or money. The young widowed father with small children stirs her spirit as she watches them lose their mother to cancer. She arranges a trip to an amusement park for them and pays for them to go. She is touched by the mother cat with baby kittens who arrive at her backdoor, cold and hungry. And as the mother of our Lil Man, I see her love, dedication, passion, and care of him to reflect the same mothering attributes I felt toward our three daughters.

And due to our perseverance and God’s mercy, I am now a Grammy. Just as I promised God that I would teach my children about Him, I promised God to teach Lil Man about Him. I am blessed beyond measure as I serve with a servant’s heart as our grandson’s Nanny and am able to teach him about the God Who is my everything. He isn’t even two yet, but these are some of the baby steps toward God he has made:

--He picks up his little Bible and says, “Bible”.
--We ask him to say prayers for Grammy and he folds his hands in prayer.
--I ask him who Jesus’ Daddy is and he replies, “God”!
--When asked where does God live and he points upward and says, “Sky”.

Our family is replete with conquerors. I am thankful for those who have traveled this journey with me – family and friends. Even though I celebrate my 14th Cancerversary in the ICU today, I am very, very blessed.

John 10:10

The thief (Leukemia) does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy.

I (God) have come that they (Stacie and her family) may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.