Reflections From A Day in the Treatment Room

Years of battling cancer have come with the good, the bad and the ugly. I have sat more hours in these treatment chairs than I care to calculate. I was "relocated" last month, as my oncologist's infusion center was moved to a new cancer center. My same recliner made the move but it has been a puzzling transition for me. The sights, smells, and sounds of the old office are gone. And with this relocation, a part of me and this cancer battle were left behind.

A relatively young 33 year old mother of three entered that old cancer center, filled with much fear, apprehension about being able to raise our three daughters, and little knowledge about the disease that was ravaging my body.

A more mature 44 year old mother of three grown daughters and one newly born grandson made the transition to this new center filled with less fear, less apprehension, and much more knowledge about the disease that continues to ravage my body.

Memories of the friends I made at the former cancer center who lost their battle with this bitter foe, traveled with me to this new cancer center. I can still hear many of their voices and see their faces. I have been blessed to have lived this long, yet, in turn, I have witnessed cancer steal all too many lives.

My oncologist recently informed me that I have lived longer than any other patient he has ever treated with this type of leukemia. While this comment was encouraging to me, it also deposited a sliver of fear in my heart. If no one else has lived this long, how much time remains for me? If no one else has lived this long with this disease, why am I still alive and fighting?

I know God always knows what is best and we shouldn't question Him. Nevertheless, at times, I wonder and I ponder why I remain alive to sit another month in this treatment chair? I know God loves me no more or no less than the fellow leukemia patient who died from infection. I am certain that God numbered our days before we took our first breath, yet I reflect on why my days were more numerous than the young colon cancer patient who succumbed to his disease.