Looking for My Savior

This holiday season has been poignantly different for me. I have been too ill to enjoy the decorating and shopping and Christmas events that normally fill the calendar. Instead, hours commuting to the cancer center for lab work, radiation, doctors' appointments and tests have filled the calendar to over-flowing. Every year, it is my priority to retain my Christmas focus - Jesus IS the reason for the season - and I have usually succeeded.

This year, it hasn't been holiday hecticness that has distracted me, it has been the pain and suffering and all of the appointments. The fatigue from radiation has rocked me to my core. And today, I stopped amidst appointments at three doctors' offices, and realized I am failing miserably at remembering what all of this Christmas "stuff" is about. God, forgive me.

I am usually ever-listening to locate others in need at Christmas time, so that I can extend His love to them. My suffering and concerns have been looming so large this year, that, sadly, I have really just been thinking about myself. How did I ever allow leukemia to make me so inward looking, to the point where I am missing the blessing of helping others? I began reflecting and meditating on my shortcomings this Christmas season and asking for His help - looking for my Savior to lift my focus to Him and off of me and my challenges - they are all so temporary, as we know.

So tonight, on our drive home after hours in the car, shuffling from appointment to appointment, my husband said he was going to run in the grocery store to pick up something quick for dinner that he could prepare. I sat in the car while he shopped and God decided to drop me an opportunity to reach out to another in the spirit of Christmas. An elderly lady rode a motorized shopping cart out to her car parked across from us. She had several bags of groceries and crutches. I watched her hobble onto her crutches and I realized - God had just given me a way to serve Him. Exhausted, I left the warmth of the car and went to her and unloaded her groceries for her. I don't reflect on this to brag on my menial task, yet I reflect on it because today, God heard my prayers of sadness and repentance for not looking for ways to serve Him in the midst of medical mayhem. And He heard. And He answered. For the remaining ten days until Christmas, I will continue to look for my Savior and for His hurting people whom I can touch in any small way.