What Motivates Me

A blog reader, whom I have never met, wrote:

I was thinking about how indominable you have been in the continuous battle your body has gone through for many many months now.I know that your faith has kept you strong, but I wish you would share with all of us what motivates you to keep going, where many others of faith would have decided to move on to the next level. If I were in your shoes, I don't think I would be as determined as you have been.

Yes, my love of God is my primary source of strength and ability to continue fighting this long, long battle. Never would an ounce of my flesh have been able to engage in this war against leukemia for over 14 years.

My love of family is another fundamental motivator. One day last month when most everything had gone horribly wrong from a medical perspective, I considered giving up and taking no further medical treatment. Quitting. Throwing in the towel. As I sat and pondered that option, I looked into the big brown eyes of my grandson who was sitting on my lap and I regrouped and put on my armor for another round of battles. How could I explain to him that his Grammy was a quitter? How could I look at our three daughters and tell them that life became too difficult for me - when I have raised them and taught them that "nothing is too difficult for God" to handle in our lives?

Obviously for me, moving onto my Heavenly Home is the easier of two paths that are before me - one path continues on this life journey that is fraught with pain and suffering. The other path leads to eternal life in Heaven that is overflowing with life, health, peace, and no suffering, pain, or sickness. Yet, for today, the people I love most reside on earth. And while I know that in Heaven, I will not shed a tear, I know that those I leave behind will hurt when I am gone. I have always put the needs of my family ahead of my own needs and wants, and I continue to do that with this life situation. If I was a selfish person, I believe I would discontinue all treatment sooner than later. However, since I have never been a selfish person, I continue to put what is best for my family over what is best for me.

Lastly, my love for life carries me through many difficult days. I have learned through these years with cancer to find the beauty in simple, everyday living. Azure blue skies, punctuated with the fluffiest white cotton clouds I have ever seen, caught my eyes just last week. The transitioning of seasons piques my interest more than ever before in my life. The golden-yellows of trees transitioning in the autumn chill beckons me outside to inhale the beauty of the Lord's Creation. And nothing like the winter's first snow of the season encourages me to focus not on the pain and suffering but to seek out the beauty and goodness of each day, of each moment.